


Let Me In

by milk_o_vich



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break ups and make ups, Depression, Fluff, Future Fic, Insomnia, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Sleepy Cuddles, i changed the rating from mature to teen and up bc like, it didn't end up being as ~mature~ as i thought it would, they love each other a lot ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-12 12:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11162160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milk_o_vich/pseuds/milk_o_vich
Summary: “What are you doing here?” Isak asked, unable to keep the anger out of his voice.Even’s eyes were wide and a little unfocused, flitting over Isak nervously. He was quiet for a long time, rain hitting the pavement outside, and Isak became kind of aware that Even must be freezing in his thin, damp t-shirt.Even pressed his lips together, then said, voice hoarse and quiet, “Can I stay here tonight?”





	1. What are you doing here?

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii!!!! yup im back with another multi chaptered fic uhsfinjsdkfs idk what's wrong with me but yeah haha.  
> quick background: even and isak broke up months ago. that's it. that's the background, haha. this is set around a year or so after s4.  
> i hope you enjoy <3

It was the last thing Isak expected at three in the morning.

He wouldn’t have even _heard_ the knock if he hadn’t been lying awake already. He’d been staring at the ceiling blankly, listening to the raindrops against his windowsill and waiting impatiently for sleep to wash over him. It hadn’t, and it wasn’t going to. His brain was doing that thing where it just wouldn’t switch off; thoughts were circling around and around in his head relentlessly, pushing sleep further and further away from his grasp.

He thought he’d imagined the knock at first. But then he’d heard it again, and again and again, until eventually Isak pushed his covers away from his body and stumbled a little clumsily towards the front door.

“Even,” Isak stuttered, and the name felt strange leaving his lips, like a secret forbidden word he wasn’t supposed to utter.

The last time he’d seen Even had been at a coffee shop two months after they broke up. It had been one of the worst feelings in the world, seeing Even holding hands with a person who wasn’t Isak. To see how Even’s face dropped when he made eye contact with Isak; to see the way his face got all serious as his eyes flitted briefly over his new girlfriend, probably wondering if Isak had seen her. It had been horrible, and Isak hadn’t thought it could get much worse. Then, Even’s eyes trailed over Isak’s hoodie. And Isak realised, with a pathetic kind of jolt, that the hoodie he was wearing had once belonged to Even.

He had left that café wondering if it was possible to look any more pathetic than he had in that moment.

And now Even was _here_. Six months later, standing at Isak’s front door at three in the morning. Eyes dark and tired, hair soaking wet, wearing nothing but a thin black t-shirt and dark skinny jeans. Raindrops had caught on Even’s eyelashes and on the tip of his nose, which was red against the cold. He’d lost a bit of weight, too, face a little hollower than it had been the last time Isak had seen him.

“Hi,” Even said, voice rough.

“Hi,” Isak replied, a little breathless, willing his voice to sound stronger than he felt. He wasn’t sure it did.

Even swallowed, looking around almost helplessly. Isak hated the fact that he had to stop himself from lurching forward and kissing Even; hated how something as simple as _seeing_ Even made a desperate kind of want crawl through him, as though all those months he’d spent getting over him had been for nothing.

“What are you doing here?” Isak asked, unable to keep the anger out of his voice.

Even’s eyes were wide and a little unfocused, flitting over Isak nervously. He was quiet for a long time, rain hitting the pavement outside, and Isak became kind of aware that Even must be freezing in his thin, damp t-shirt.

Even pressed his lips together, then said, voice hoarse and quiet, “Can I stay here tonight?”

Isak looked at him. “Are you okay?”

“Can I?” Even asked distractedly.

“I – yeah,” Isak said, moving to the side and gesturing Even inside without really thinking. “Yeah, of course.”

 

* * *

 

They stood in the living room in awkward silence for a few minutes, Isak’s hands in his pockets, not really sure what his next move should be. But when he noticed the goose bumps on Even’s skin and the slight blue tint to his lips, he sprung back into action.

“Do you want some clothes?” he asked.

Even nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said.

“Okay,” Isak repeated, nodding, then coughed before darting into his bedroom and grabbing the thickest hoodie he could find and a warm pair of jogging bottoms.

When he came back into the living room, Even was sat on the sofa, eyes glossy and unfocused again. And suddenly, Isak realised something. He’d been stupid not to have recognised it sooner. It was scribbled all over Even – in the slowness of his movements, the quietness of his voice, the tiredness that darkened the skin around his eyes. And maybe Isak was jumping to conclusions; maybe Even was just having a bad day, but something about the hopelessness behind his eyes told Isak otherwise. Even just looked _exhausted_ , mentally and physically. The type of exhaustion no amount of sleep could ever fix.

“Here,” Isak said carefully, handing Even some clothes.

There was an awkward moment where Isak was just kind of looking at Even, because before, when they’d been together, he wouldn’t have bothered turning away as Even got undressed. But after Even had pulled his t-shirt off and moved to tug on his jeans, Isak remembered quite quickly that _no_ , they weren’t there anymore, and he turned around as Even finished getting changed.

“Thanks,” Even said, and Isak took that as his cue to face him again.

“I’ll put these in the wash,” Isak said, taking Even's damp clothes from him. “Are you – are you warm enough?”

Even sat back down on the sofa and nodded, taking a long, drawn-out breath. “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Isak said. “You can – you can just sleep on the sofa, if you want.”

“Okay,” Even replied quietly. Then, when Isak turned to walk towards the kitchen, Even said, “Where are you going?”

Isak paused. “I’m just going to put these in the wash, remember?” he said, holding up Even’s clothes. “Then I’ll…get you some blankets or something. It’s fucking cold, so.”

“Yeah,” Even murmured, and didn't say anything when Isak turned around to leave again.

 

* * *

 

When Isak came back with some blankets, Even had already fallen asleep on the sofa, body curled up like a cat. The sight made this inexplicable ache run through Isak’s body, right down to his bones, and he wanted nothing more than to crawl onto the sofa with Even, to lie down next to him and fall asleep with his arms draped over Even’s waist, his nose against the nape of Even’s neck so that he could fall asleep to Even’s scent like he had a thousand times before.

But…no.

He wrapped a blanket over Even, tucking it carefully over his body so that no part of him was left exposed to the cold. He lifted Even’s head up, very gently, and fitted his blue pillow beneath him. He didn't want him to wake up with a bad neck. Even stirred a little, but just kind of hummed somewhat contentedly, and Isak knelt beside him on the floor. Brushed the cold, damp curls away from Even’s eyes and raked his fingers through Even’s hair, a little embarrassed when Even woke up and caught him doing it.

“Sorry,” Isak said.

“No,” Even whispered hoarsely. “Don’t stop. Please.”

“Okay,” Isak replied, so quietly he wasn’t really sure the word actually left his lips.

It was simple muscle memory, really, remembering the exact way Even liked Isak’s hands through his hair like this. He focused on massaging Even’s scalp, trying to ease the headache he knew Even got whenever he was low. Watched carefully as at least _some_ of the tension left Even’s body; his brows were becoming less furrowed and his eyes fluttered shut as he let out a long sigh, tucking his chin under the blanket.

Isak continued for a little while until Even’s breathing became much heavier, much slower, and then he moved his hand away.

He was bone-tired; completely exhausted, and he knew that if he went to bed right now, he would probably be able to fall asleep pretty easily. But he also knew Even was a flight risk; that he’d probably take off in the morning without another word. And the thought terrified Isak – not because it would suck for Even to leave again, although it would – but because he knew that if Even had come to Isak, of all people, it meant he probably had nowhere else to go.

So instead of going to his own bed, Isak grabbed his duvet and pillow and settled on the living room floor, right next to the sofa. It wasn’t comfy, really, with his body pressed against the hard wooden floorboards. But despite that, and despite the fact that he had a million questions running through his head that he knew he’d need to ask Even in the morning, the sound of Even breathing above him made Isak fall into the easiest sleep he’d had in weeks.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Isak woke up, neck sore and back aching, Even was already awake. He looked apprehensive, blue eyes somehow light and dark at the same time as he looked at Isak before rolling on his back and staring at the ceiling.

“Hi,” Isak said quietly.

“Hi,” Even replied. He glanced quickly at Isak again, then back up at the ceiling.

Isak sat up, shivering a little. “Did you sleep okay?”

Even nodded. He was quiet for a long time, then said, “I shouldn’t be here.”

There it was; the blow Isak knew had been coming. Despite the fact he’d been fully expecting it, it hurt just the same. “Why?” he asked, hating how fragile his voice sounded.

Even swallowed, but didn’t say anything.

Isak was quiet, too, for a little while. Tried to muster up the courage to say what he wanted to say.

“You know that..." Isak swallowed, tried to steady his voice which was threatening to break. "I told you I’d always be here, Even.”

Even’s eyes met Isak’s for the first time that morning, mouth open, that little look of stunned surprise playing across his expression. Which was stupid - being surprised at Isak's words was stupid - because _of course_ Isak would always be there. Together or not, Isak would be there for Even.

And Even was about to say something, too, but the next second, the lock in the door was turning, and Isak got to his feet.

“Even,” Isak said steadily, warningly, but then the door was swinging open and a person stepped into the room.

Even's eyes darted from Isak, then to the boy who had just walked in, then to Isak again.

“Even," Isak began, walking over to the boy and placing a hand around his waist. "Even, this is Jakob. My boyfriend."


	2. You're a good person

It was stupid to feel guilty.

He hadn’t _done_ anything with Even. He hadn’t kissed him. He hadn’t crawled next to him on the sofa and rested his head over his heart, hadn’t been comforted by the slow and steady rise and fall of Even’s chest. He hadn’t laced their hands together, hadn’t brushed their noses together and relished in the quiet, tantalising moment where he knew Even’s lips were just about to brush over his own. He hadn’t done any of that. He had offered a sofa to a friend – no, a _person_ – in need. That was it.

So why did he feel so bad about it?

Even stood up, and Isak noticed a little weakly that he and Jakob were around the same height. But where Even’s hair was blonde, Jakob’s was dark; where Even’s eyes were blue, Jakob’s were green.

Jakob’s eyes were fixed on Even for a while, and the two were just kind of staring blankly at each other. The silence was beyond awkward, making Isak want to crawl into a hole and disappear forever.

“Hi, Even,” Jakob said eventually, holding out a hand for Even to shake, and Isak almost sighed with the relief at the silence finally getting broken.

“Hi,” Even said. His eyes drifted back to Isak, piercing into him so hard that Isak felt his cheeks redden and his eyes fall to the floor.

Jakob was frowning, staring at Even in bewilderment. “So how do you…how do you two know each other?”

“We went to school together,” Isak said shortly. He didn’t know why he was lying. “Uh, can we” – he cleared his throat – “do you want some tea?”

Jakob pulled his hoodie off and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

“Yeah?” Isak said. “Even?”

Even simply nodded and said, “Okay”, before sitting back down on the sofa. He wasn’t looking at Isak anymore, or at Jakob; his eyes were just kind of staring into nothing, the familiar place Isak knew was difficult to reach.

Isak turned to Jakob. “Come help me?” he asked, and Jakob nodded, following Isak to the kitchen.

Once they were inside, Jakob looked at Isak properly. And for the first time, Isak saw a hint of hurt behind Jakob’s eyes. No, not hurt. But something that looked like he was _preparing_ himself to get hurt. He was looking at Isak expectantly, and when Isak said nothing, Jakob said, very quietly, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Isak said quickly, frowning, shaking his head. He looked up at Jakob – forced himself to meet his gaze – and said, voice stronger this time, “Nothing, honestly.”

“Okay,” Jakob said slowly. “It’s just you looked – you didn’t tell me you were having someone to stay, that’s all.”

Isak laughed, running his fingers through his hair and turning around to put the kettle on. “I don’t have to tell you everything, Jakob.”

“No,” Jakob hummed. “You don’t.” He paused for a while, staring at Isak seriously. “Is he in trouble?”

“I…” Isak paused, turning back around and spending probably a little longer than he needed to picking out teabags. He couldn’t bring himself to lie, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Jakob the truth, either. It was too complicated. Too messy. And maybe there was a part of him that was scared that if Jakob learnt the truth, he wouldn’t let Even stay. “I don’t fucking know. We haven’t seen each other in months. He turned up last night at like…three in the morning or something. He asked if he could stay the night, so I just…” Isak shrugged. “I said yes.”

“Okay,” Jakob said quietly.

To Isak’s surprise, Jakob laughed and curled his arms around Isak’s waist. He pressed their bodies together, hugging him from behind, and kissed the nape of Isak’s neck.

“You’re a good person, Isak.”

Isak laughed at that, but he turned around to face Jakob anyway. Brushed some of the curls away from Jakob’s face and smiled softly, trying to ignore the guilt bubbling in his stomach as Jakob leant in and kissed him. Softly, gently, the faint taste of red bull on his lips.

Isak broke the kiss quicker than he usually would have. He looked at his feet, then back up at Jakob. Smiled softly, eyes trailing over the moles that were scattered across Jakob’s face, at the freckles dancing across the bridge of his nose. And Jakob just smiled, eyes warm, moving a hand to cup Isak’s cheek.

“What?” Isak asked.

“I love you,” Jakob said.

Isak swallowed. “I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

When they came back into the living room, Even was half way through the front door. He froze when they caught him, eyes wide, mouth hanging open a little, and it took Isak a moment to realise what was happening.

A part of Isak was angry that Even was going to leave him like this; that he’d apparently planned on leaving without explaining himself – was going to walk out of Isak’s life _again_ without saying why. Another, smaller part of Isak was kind of glad, though. Because Even had been back in Isak’s life for less than a day, and his head was already spinning with confusion.

He just wished that part of him was a little louder.

“Where are you going?” Isak asked, unable to keep the hurt from his voice. He hoped Jakob didn’t notice.

Even’s hands lingered on the handle before he shut the door and stepped back inside.

“I was just going to…” Even paused, staring at Isak, eyes blue and clear and tired but piercing all at once. “To see Elias. I’ve been chatting with him, he wants to see me.” He scratched his head, stretching. “I thought I could stay with him for a bit.”

“Oh,” Isak said quietly, trying to ignore the disappointment swelling inside of him. This was good. Even leaving was a good thing.

“But…” Jakob looked from Isak to Even, then smiled. “Come on, you’ve got to have your tea first, yeah?”

Even paused, and some of the tension seemed to leave him. “Yeah,” he said quietly, and Isak kind of wished Even would stop _looking_ at him like that. He couldn’t make it much more obvious that there was – that there _used_ to be – something between them.

If Jakob noticed, he didn’t let on. Because a few moments later they were sat down together, and Jakob was busy telling Even about his latest art show which –

“Oh, fuck,” Isak said blankly, turning to Jakob, suddenly remembering _why_ his boyfriend had been away for the last couple of days. “I forgot, sorry – I – how did it go?”

“Yeah, it went well,” Jakob said, smiling at him.

“Good,” Isak said quietly, nodding.

Even glanced between the two of them, ducking his head down to sip some of his tea. He hissed, then said, “Fuck, it’s hot.”

“Yeah,” Jakob said. “It’s good, though. Isak makes the best of tea.”

Even raised his eyebrows and, for the first time since Isak had seen him, he actually smiled. “He does?” he asked, a little disbelievingly.

“I do!” Isak said. “I’m, like, the fucking _master_ of making tea.”

“Okay,” Even said, laughing easily, eyes crinkling at the corners.

And _God_ , it was probably the best sound Isak had heard in months. He’d forgotten how that laugh could make him feel – warm and giddy and happy and safe and content and a million other things that bubbled out of his chest, spreading all the way out to his fingertips. He smiled at Even, chuckling softly to himself.

He was dragged back to reality by Jakob’s hand on his thigh. It was something that Jakob had done a thousand times before, something that Isak usually found comforting and reassuring and natural.

It felt different, now, though.

“How long are you staying for, Even?” Jakob asked conversationally, apparently oblivious to the way Isak had tensed ever so slightly under his touch.

Isak held his breath as he waited for Even’s answer, not sure exactly what he was hoping for. Even wasn’t smiling anymore; his eyes were vulnerable, blonde eyelashes fanning over his wide, scared eyes. He looked down, swallowed, and shook his head.

“I mean,” Jakob continued awkwardly, looking at Isak, “I mean you can stay as long as you need to. It’s fine with us, right, Isak?”

“Yeah,” Isak said, trying to sound nonplussed. “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine with us.”

Even nodded, staring at the floor. “Okay,” he said quietly.

 

* * *

 

 Sunday, 12:59PM

 

**Isak** : Has Elias heard from Even recently?

**Sana** : No

Why?

**Isak** : He turned up at my house last night

**Sana** : What?

Seriously?

**Isak** : Yeah

**Sana** : Is he still there now?

**Isak** : Yeah, he’s sleeping though

**Sana** : Is he okay?

**Isak** : Not sure

Think he might be depressed

He tried to leave and said he was meeting Elias

**Sana** : No, Elias hasn’t spoken to him since Even’s birthday

**Isak** : Ok. Thanks Sanasol

**Sana** : No problem

Is he staying with you now then?

**Isak** : For the time being

**Sana** : But what does Jakob think about that?

 

* * *

 

There were two reasons Isak didn’t want to tell Jakob that Even was bipolar.

Firstly, it was Even’s business. Isak had grown tired watching people find out about Even’s past before Even _himself_ was ready to tell them. 

Secondly – and, selfishly, it was the thing Isak viewed as more important right now – Jakob knew that Isak had an ex with bipolar disorder. If he found out Even had it, he’d put two and two together easily, and Isak didn’t like to think about what the fallout of that would look like.

So, when Jakob asked why Even spent most of the day sleeping, Isak simply told him that he must be tired.

 

* * *

 

 

Isak was brushing his teeth when Jakob came in and wrapped his hands around Isak’s waist, kissing his neck, his shoulders, his back – any place his mouth could reach. Isak smiled a little, spat out his toothpaste and turned around. Welcomed Jakob’s lips against his own, and settled his hands on Jakob’s bare hips, tugging him closer.

Jakob pulled away and used his thumb to wipe a bit of toothpaste away from the corner of Isak’s mouth.

“Bed?” he murmured, and Isak nodded, leaning in for another kiss before they collapsed onto the bed together.

“So, my exhibition,” Jakob said quietly, nudging so he was a little closer to Isak, breath warm against Isak’s face. “I think they’re going to commission it.”

“Hm?” Isak said, raising his eyebrows. He pulled back to study Jakob fully. “What? Serious?”

“Yeah,” Jakob said, chewing his lip before his face broke into a brilliant smile.

“Fuck, baby! That’s…I’m…” Isak trailed off, shaking his head, letting out a stuttered laugh. He leant in to kiss Jakob; quick little pecks, over and over against Jakob’s lips.

“Mm,” Jakob hummed quietly, stroking a thumb over Isak’s cheek. “It means we might be able to afford the deposit on that flat we were looking at.”

“Oh,” Isak said, smile falling a little before he picked it back up. “Yeah, it does.”

Jakob laughed and leant in, kissing Isak happily, and it was soft at first – gentle – but then it grew hungrier, more demanding. Isak rolled onto his back, pulling Jakob on top of him, one hand in his hair and the other roaming down his bare back, feeling the little bumps of Jakob’s spine as they kissed. Tongue and teeth and wandering hands. It wasn’t long before they were both panting, tasting one another, and Isak was pulling Jakob closer against him, desperate for some kind of friction and moaning softly when he got it.

Jakob looked down at him, fingers teasing at the waistband of Isak’s boxers. His cheeks were a little red, his mouth wet, and he was breathing heavily, pupils blown and hair a mess all over his face. Isak smiled; leant in and kissed him once more, and then Jakob was tilting Isak’s head to the side and kissing his jaw, his neck, his chest, his stomach.

“I love you,” Jakob whispered softly against the skin at Isak’s hip, pressing a gentle kiss there.

“Love you, too,” Isak murmured.

It was the truth, after all. Isak _did_ love Jakob; he was sure of it. He just wasn’t prepared for it to feel like a lie all of a sudden.

 

* * *

 

 Isak had been lying awake for hours, trying to get to sleep. His mind was having a battle with itself – he was torn between wanting to storm into the living room and demand that Even leave immediately or waking Jakob up and telling him the truth. Both seemed equally tempting and equally shitty, and Isak realised very quickly that tonight was another night where he wouldn’t get much sleep.

He was lying completely still, not wanting to wake Jakob up; partly because he wanted Jakob to get a good night’s sleep, and partly because he didn’t want Jakob to fuss over Isak’s insomnia flaring up again.

He walked into the kitchen to grab some water, genuinely not expecting it when he found Even standing in there, too.

“Hey,” Isak said, voice a little high-pitched.

“Hey,” Even said. He swallowed. “Can’t sleep?”

Isak shook his head. “You too?”

Even shrugged. He looked at Isak warmly – a small, familiar smile playing on his lips. It was beyond stupid that the simple _look_ made goose bumps rise on Isak’s skin.

“So…Jakob,” Even said quietly.

Isak bit his lip and nodded, looking down. “Yeah,” he whispered.

They were quiet for a long time. Isak kept flitting his eyes up to look at Even, and every time he did, he found Even looking at him. Then, Even said, “Does he treat you right?”

“Yeah,” Isak said quickly. Because he did. Even had taught him not to accept anything less than to be treated right.

“Okay,” Even said, sounding relieved.

Isak swallowed again, then made himself look up at Even. “Why are you here?” he asked quietly, but it came out more harshly than he meant it to. “I mean, why did you – is everything okay?”

Even’s breath was coming out a little ragged, a little nervous. “Everything’s okay,” he said quietly.

Isak didn’t believe him.

Even did that thing where he kind of snapped out of himself; gained his composure and stood up straighter. “I just need a place to stay for a while,” he said casually, voice rising, running a hand through his hair. “But I – I can go somewhere else, with Elias, or—”

“I know you didn’t text Elias, Even,” Isak said lowly. He was suddenly a little angry, because whatever was happening – whatever was going on – Even didn’t need to lie about it to Isak. “I asked Sana.”

Even said nothing. He looked tired, eyes dark.

Isak chewed his lip. “Do you want to watch some TV?” he suggested, and Even nodded quickly.

They sat at opposite ends of the sofa – Isak was determined to put distance between them – but it was so reminiscent of their time at the flat together that it made Isak’s chest ache. He wanted to ask Even about what was going on and, selfishly, he wanted to ask Even why he’d left Isak all those months ago. The very thought of their breakup was still red-raw; still made anger and hurt flare up in Isak whenever he thought about it too much.

But he knew now wasn’t the time for questions – not when Even was moving to lie on the sofa, looking like sleep was already beginning to pull him away. As Even stretched out, his foot brushed Isak’s thigh and stayed there, resting, and the simple feel of Even against him made Isak’s breath hitch.

Isak grabbed the remote and switched the TV on, jumping with a start when the volume blared on maximum. He turned it all the way down so that it was barely audible, then made himself comfortable, sinking down on the sofa and – fuck it – pulling Even’s feet to rest in his lap.

Barely ten minutes passed, and Even’s breathing grew heavier. Isak knew he should get up – he didn’t want to fall asleep here and have Jakob find him in the morning and get the wrong idea – but for whatever reason, he couldn’t make himself move.

_A few more minutes wouldn’t hurt._

“Isak,” Even whispered softly, around an hour later.

“Mm?” Isak murmured groggily, eyes heavy.

Even was sleep-drunk, not aware of what he was saying. Isak knew that.

“I don’t know,” Even croaked. “I just wanted to check you were still here.”

Isak swallowed and allowed himself to wrap a hand around the bottom of Even’s leg and squeeze Even’s ankles gently, reassuringly, a barely-there touch that Even probably didn't even register.

“Yeah,” he said softly. “I’m still here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you SO much for the lovely support on the last chapter!! i hope this one isn't too long and too boring for you guys, and that you still feel invested in what's going on.  
> i'm aware isak is acting a little...shitty, in this chapter, arguably. i hope his treatment of jakob (and, to an extent, even) are at least explainable, even if they aren't excusable. that is, i hope you can understand why he's doing what he's doing. i'm very paranoid he'll come off as unlikeable here!  
> and more of even's situation, evak's break up and jakob/isak's history will be explored in later chapters, i promise <3  
> finally, a HUGE thank you to steph (flareandfadeforever on tumblr) for pretty much holding my hand throughout this entire chapter, hahaha. she literally helped so much! she's the best and i love her (she definitely didn't make me say that)  
> as usual, comments and kudos are amazing and keep me very motivated! <3


	3. Like you used to

Isak hadn’t meant for this to become a thing. He hadn’t meant to tip-toe into the living room every time Jakob finally fell asleep and sit next to Even, putting cartoons on quietly and watching them while Even slept. Even usually woke up a few times during the night, and every time he did, his eyes would drift sleepily to Isak and he’d let out a quiet, content little hum. Isak would simply smile at him, would maybe adjust Even’s blankets a little bit, and Even would fall back asleep soon enough.

Truthfully, Isak was shocked every single time he walked into the living room and found Even still there. It had been three days, and he kept expecting Even to vanish; to disappear like Even always did – like he had all those months ago when they’d broken up. It was just how Even _worked_ , and Isak couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that Even seemed to be sticking around.

They still hadn’t spoken about anything, though.

Isak was lying on the sofa lazily, vision blurry and eyes a little strained with the effort of staying awake. He wanted to sleep more than anything; he could feel it in his bones, his head, his eyes – everywhere. He ached for it. But no matter how much he willed sleep to come, it just wouldn’t. His mind wouldn’t close off.

The blankets beside him ruffled a little bit, and Isak turned to see Even stirring. He smiled, thinking Even was just sort of getting comfortable. He wasn’t expecting it when Even sat up.

“Can’t sleep?” Even murmured.

Isak let out a little laugh. “No,” he said quietly.

Even simply nodded. They were quiet for a while, and Isak wasn’t sure how it had happened, but they were sitting a lot closer to each other now. Knees touching, hands millimetres away from one another. Isak sighed, taking his hand away and running it through his hair, just to get rid of the temptation to link their fingers together.

“Even,” he began, and Even’s eyes shot to Isak’s when he said his name.

“Mm?”

Isak swallowed. “I – what are you doing here?”

Even’s pressed his lips together. “I needed a place to stay.”

He was starting to sound like a broken record.

“I know, but—” Isak paused, not sure where this sudden surge of bravery was coming from. “But why _here_? Did you – did you just – could no one else take you in, or?” Isak winced at his own words, not sure they were coming out like he'd wanted them to. “I just mean—”

“You were the first person I went to,” Even said quietly. He looked at the floor, shaking his head. “I don’t know how it happened. I just ended up at your door.”

Isak blinked, and for some reason, he was fighting off the ridiculous and bizarre urge to cry.  “Why do you need a place to stay?” he asked, voice fragile. “Is everything okay?”

Even nodded. “Everything’s fine.”

“Even,” Isak said, a little exhausted, “you can’t just – you can’t just show up here after _months_ and not…not tell me what’s happening.”

Even swallowed, dragging his eyes to meet Isak’s. “You’ll just hate me more.”

“I don’t hate you,” Isak said, and he’d never been more sure of anything. “I’d never hate you, Even.”

Even looked at Isak for a few seconds, eyes trailing over his lips, nose, up to his eyes. He sighed, leant forward, and for a brief, startled moment, Isak thought Even was going to kiss him.

Instead, Even rested his forehead against Isak’s. Closed his eyes and murmured, “I just missed you, that’s all.”

Isak’s breath hitched at Even’s words.

Having Even this close, noticing the way his blonde eyelashes cast little shadows over the tops of his cheeks, how he could make out every mole and freckle and scar on Even’s face, how he could feel his breath warm against Isak’s lips – it made Isak want to lean forward; made him want to close the remaining space between them and kiss Even until he was breathless.

“I missed you too,” Isak murmured, voice so quiet he wasn’t even really sure the words left his lips.

Even hummed, brushing his nose against Isak’s softly and _God_ , this was testing Isak’s willpower. But then Even opened his eyes and pulled away a little – just an inch or so, but enough so that their foreheads were no longer pressed together.

“Lie down with me,” he whispered. “On my chest, like you used to.”

Isak nodded, eyes heavy, lips parted, as Even lay back down on the sofa and pulled Isak with him. Isak settled his head against Even’s chest, while Even curled his arm around Isak’s shoulder, tracing little patterns with his fingers.

And this was it, Isak realised quickly; this was where he always wanted to be. There were questions bursting through his brain and guilt trying to worm its way into his mind and he knew, deep down, that Even was hiding something, but every single thing seemed to dissolve in that moment. Because Isak was here, in Even’s arms, wrapped up safe and warm and listening to the soft, comforting rhythm of Even’s heart. His eyes fluttered shut, breathing getting deeper, feeling waves of sleep pulling at him gently already.

Except...

“Even,” Isak murmured, eyes closed and voice low.

“Mm?” Even asked.

Isak chewed his lip, tilting his head up and opening his eyes to look at Even properly. Even was staring back at him seriously – thoughtfully – and Isak said the only thing that was still troubling his mind in that moment.

“Why’d you start missing me all of a sudden?”

Even pulled back a little, studying Isak through half-lidded eyes before saying, voice quiet and husky, “It wasn’t sudden.”

“Hm?” Isak hummed.

“I missed you since the first day I left,” Even said quietly. “I never stopped.”

 

* * *

 

Isak shouldn’t have been surprised when he woke up to find Even gone, but he couldn’t help it: he _was_ surprised. He sat up, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, staring at the empty space where, hours earlier, Even had been.

The brief comfort Even’s arms had given him was long gone, and Isak was left feeling cold and angry and embarrassed.

He pushed the blankets away haphazardly, turned the TV off and checked his clock. 06:20. Jakob would still be asleep, but getting into bed with him right now was the last thing Isak wanted to do. His head was a mess and he needed to at least _partially_ clear it before he spoke to Jakob again, so he decided to shower instead. Spent a long time just standing under the jets of water, letting them wash over him, hoping he'd be able to scrub away some of the guilt he was feeling.

He hadn’t done anything wrong, after all. He’d fallen asleep next to Even, sure, but he hadn’t _kissed_  him.

He’d wanted to, though.

It was impossible not to feel bitter, and the more Isak thought about it, the more he grew annoyed with Even. It was like they’d gone all the way back to where they’d started; Even showing up out of nowhere, lighting Isak’s life up only to leave him in darkness moments later. Even was beautiful and brilliant and Isak meant it when he said he could never hate Even, but he couldn't help wondering why he was so gone for a boy who always left such messes in his wake.

Maybe it was better if Even left for good this time. At least then, Isak could start getting over him properly.

 

* * *

 

Wednesday, 06:58AM

 **Isak** : Yo

 **Eskild** : Hello my little gumdrop

 **Isak** : Thought you’d still be asleep

 **Eskild** : I’m a professional working man now Isak, I have to be up at 7AM every day now

 **Isak** : I see

 **Eskild** : Kidding, I’m drunk and haven’t been to bed yet

How can I help you?

 **Isak** : Even showed up a few nights ago

**You missed a call from Eskild**

**Isak** : Can’t talk, Jakob’s sleeping

 **Eskild** : A FEW DAYS AGO?

And you’re only telling me NOW?

 **Isak** : Yes

It doesn’t matter anyway because he left this morning

 **Eskild** : What did you two get up to? Are you back together?

 **Isak** : No

He just slept mostly

 **Eskild** : Was he depressed?

 **Isak** : A little bit maybe

But I can’t stop thinking about him now

 **Eskild** : Aww, Isak <3 Your first love will always have a special place in your heart

 **Isak** : Cheesy

 **Eskild** : But true. You never forget your first love

Does Even want to get back together?

 **Isak** : Don’t think so

He left without saying goodbye

But my head is fucked

 **Eskild** : Do you perhaps need some guru advising?

 **Isak** : Sure

 **Eskild** : I think you should let Even go

I like him and you two were cute together, but it was also very complicated and messy

Relationships shouldn’t be that difficult!! Life isn’t like a movie, relationships should be easier than that

Focus on your relationship with Jakob, you two are nice together

And if it’s meant to be with Even, it’s meant to be, but try not to let it mess with you and Jakob

And if you do break up with Jakob, let him know I’m single

 **Isak** : I’m not going to break up with Jakob

 **Eskild** : Well!

You’re welcome for the advice

 **Isak** : Haha

Ok. Thanks Eskild

 **Eskild** : No problem my little rainbow cupcake

 

* * *

 

“You’re up early,” Jakob said, walking into the kitchen and giving Isak a kiss on the cheek as Isak worked over the stove, making them breakfast.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “You too?”

“Your phone woke me up,” Jakob said, chucking Isak’s phone on the counter. “Sana rang you.”

“Oh, fuck. I forgot to send her those bio notes she wanted,” Isak said. He sighed, stirred some of the eggs around in the frying pan, and tried to think of a good excuse to give her when he got into school later today.

Jakob simply nodded, moving behind Isak and pressing his nose against Isak’s neck, kissing him there softly. He pulled away, just a little bit, and said, “You showered, too?”

“Mm,” Isak hummed. “I – fuck, that tickles, stop – I couldn’t sleep, so.”

Jakob stopped kissing him and smoothed his hands down Isak’s sides, settling on his hips, then turned him around. He frowned, studying Isak carefully. “You’re not sleeping again?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “One night, Jakob.”

“Yeah, but if your insomnia's getting worse, we should book a doctor’s appointment,” he said. "You don't want to--"

“I’ll be _fine_ ,” Isak said.

“But if it gets as bad as last time, you’ll—”

Isak stopped him with a kiss, pressing his lips firmly against Jakob’s. Jakob kind of froze against him, surprised, but Isak persisted, threading a hand in Jakob’s messy morning hair and tilting his head a little, opening the kiss up. He felt Jakob sigh, relaxing against Isak’s mouth easily and kissing him with the same lazy hunger, hands roaming up and down Isak’s back.

“Mm,” Jakob hummed, grinning against Isak’s mouth. “What was that for?”

“To shut you up,” Isak said, and Jakob laughed.

“Charming,” he said, but leant in and kissed Isak again, murmuring against his lips: “Let’s go to back to bed before Even wakes up.”

“Even’s gone,” Isak said.

Jakob pulled back. “What?”

Isak shrugged. “He left this morning,” he said, before leaning in and kissing Jakob again.

Jakob wasn't really kissing back this time, and said, “Why’d he leave?”

“I don’t know,” Isak said.

“Is he okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where’s he gone?”

Isak cupped Jakob’s face, shaking him gently. “I don’t know,” he said, smiling. “He does this all the time. He just comes and goes. That's what he’s like.”

Isak started trailing kisses down Jakob’s neck, but Jakob continued talking. “Does…should we ring someone? His parents or – _fuck_ – a family member, or something? He didn’t seem—”

“I don’t have their numbers anymore,” Isak murmured, running a hand under Jakob’s shirt. “Chill.”

Isak moved the two of them around, so that Jakob was leaning with his back against the counter now. He continued kissing at Jakob’s jaw, his fingers brushing over his nipples and causing the faintest moan to leave Jakob’s lips. Isak smiled, satisfied he could elicit that kind of sound from him.

He was about to drop to his knees when there was a knock at the door.

“Who’s that?” Jakob asked, hands squeezing Isak's shoulders gently.

“Maybe it’s Even,” Isak suggested, trying to ignore the little bit of hope he felt at that thought.

He walked towards the door as whoever it was knocked loudly again. Isak ignored his phone when it started vibrating and Sana’s name lit up on his screen, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. Maybe he was being stupid – maybe seeing Even had rattled him, made him more anxious or paranoid or on edge than he’d usually be. Or maybe he was worried about Even, he couldn’t tell.

But _something_ was making him feel a little uneasy; an all-too familiar sense of dread building up in him as he opened the door.

His heart sank when he saw two policeman standing in the doorway.

“Police,” one of them said. “We’re looking for Even Bech Næsheim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support so far, guys, it really means a lot!!!  
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter. sorry to end it like that, arghhhh!!!  
> as usual, comments and kudos keep me very, very motivated!!!  
> all the love <3


	4. He just left

The police didn’t stay long.

Isak wasn’t sure how honest he should have been with them, but Jakob’s presence meant Isak felt pressured to be a little more truthful. He told them that Even had stayed here, winced when they asked how he knew Even, and told them that Even hadn’t given them any details about what was going on or where he was going.

“But…why are you looking for him?” Isak asked eventually.

The policeman sighed, closing his notebook and placing it in his pocket. “We’ve got a warrant for his arrest,” he said simply.

Isak’s mouth was hanging open stupidly. “What did he do?”

“We received a complaint against him,” the policeman explained, and Isak’s stomach sank. “Someone has accused him of stealing a large sum of money from them.” He ripped off a sheet of paper and handed it to Isak. “If you see him, call this number and let us know, okay?”

Isak took the paper numbly and nodded, watching through slightly dazed eyes as the policemen left his house.

It was too much to take in; Isak’s heart was thudding hard and horribly in his chest and his blood felt like it was turning to ice. It didn’t make sense. It had to be a misunderstanding. Even wouldn’t steal from anyone. He wasn’t a thief. And Isak’s insides twisted horribly at the thought of Even actually going to _prison_ for this; twisted at the thought of Even in a jail cell, alone with his thoughts that would surely only get much darker the longer he spent in there.

“Fucking hell,” Jakob said, whistling. “I guess you can never really know someone, can you?”

“What?” Isak snapped.

“I just mean—“ Jakob began, then shook his head. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Do you think Even actually did it?” Isak asked quickly, unable to keep his anger from bubbling out of him. It wasn’t Jakob’s fault – not at all – and Isak wasn’t completely sure why he was snapping at _him_ of all people. His anger should lie with Even, but for whatever reason, it didn’t.

“I don’t know him,” Jakob said, putting his hands in his pockets. “So I mean, yeah, for all I know, he did it.”

Isak laughed humourlessly and shook his head. “Yeah, exactly, you don’t know him.”

“Well I – do _you_?!” Jakob asked, matching Isak’s tone. “You said you haven’t seen him in months, can you be sure he _didn’t_ do it?”

“You don't—“ Isak snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose: “Just drop it, okay?”

“Why are you acting like this is my fault?” Jakob asked.

“I’m not!” Isak snapped. Then, more calmly: “I’m not. I’m just…fuck, I don’t know. I’m tired.”

“Okay,” Jakob said slowly. “So, we’ll book a doctor’s appointment, and you can talk to them about your insom—“

“I don’t need to go to the doctors!” Isak said. “Fucking hell, Jakob, can you drop it?”

“I didn’t—“

“I’m going out,” Isak said, grabbing his keys from the counter and throwing on a shirt that was lying on the sofa.

He stormed out of the house, confused and miserable, and it wasn’t until he’d been walking for around ten minutes or so that he realised the shirt he was wearing was the one he had lent to Even.

It still smelled exactly like him.

 

* * *

 

Wednesday, 07:37AM

 

 **Isak** : Hi Even. I don’t know if this is still your number, but if it is, can you text me and let me know you’re okay?

The police came round today and were asking about you

I don’t understand anything that’s happening

Can we talk?

Even?

 

* * *

 

 

He wasn’t sure exactly how he ended up at Even’s parents’ house, but after walking around Oslo for an hour or so, Isak was knocking on their door.

“Isak!” Mrs. Næsheim exclaimed, breathless.

She looked exhausted, eyes red and skin pale, hair dishevelled. She was still in her pyjamas.

“What – what are you doing here?” she asked. “Have you seen Even?”

“No. Or...he left mine this morning,” Isak said, and for some ridiculous reason, his eyes filled with tears. He suddenly felt stupid, and used, and pathetic for even showing up here. “He came over a few days ago, stayed a few nights, I didn’t, um, I don’t know—”

“Come inside, darling,” Mrs. Næsheim said, circling an arm around Isak’s shoulder and guiding him through the door. “Come inside.”

 

* * *

 

“I’ve missed you,” Mrs. Næsheim said over a cup of warm tea. “I’ve missed our chats.”

Isak smiled, stirring his tea around with a spoon a little aimlessly. “Me too,” he said, because he _had_ missed it. Truly. After a while, he said, “Uh, the police came over this morning.”

“I thought they would,” Mrs. Næsheim said thoughtfully. “I told them he might have gone to see you.”

“Did he -- did he really steal that money?” Isak asked, not expecting his voice to sound so small.

“I think so,” Mrs. Næsheim sighed.

“Was he – was he manic, or--?” Isak asked.

“I think so,” Mrs. Næsheim said again. “I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on in that boy’s head anymore. I barely see him.”

“Oh,” Isak said quietly.

“What happened between you and Even, if you don’t mind me asking?” she said. She grinned when Isak just stared at her, but it was a cold grin; an empty one. “Even doesn’t tell me anything. He hates it when I ask about you.”

Isak smiled half-heartedly, sighed, then shook his head. “I don’t know myself,” he said honestly. “He never really gave me a reason.”

“What?” Mrs. Næsheim asked. “What do you mean?”

Isak shrugged. “He just…I don’t know. I thought things were going great. I mean, complicated, but great. But then we – he was depressed, or...he'd crashed, anyway, and he’d been lying in bed for days, so I suggested we had a shower. And we did, and it was fine, then when I went to find him some clean clothes he just…left. So.”

“What, and that was it?” Mrs. Næsheim asked, sounding horrified.

 Isak shrugged, laughing a little even though it wasn’t funny at all. “Yeah. Or…no, he came back a couple of days later and told me we weren’t working out. That moving in and everything had been too quick and that he needed some space or whatever. And then, yeah, he left.” Isak looked up at her and smiled. “What did he tell you?”

“Nothing,” she said. “Other than the fact you two had broken up, he told me nothing at all.”

And just like that, all the anger – all the bitterness – seemed to swell up inside of Isak again. The unanswered questions and the loneliness, the frustration at Even’s silence…it surged up and hit him at full force. And it was both expected and unexpected, how much he felt in that moment, as though the damn he’d built up had finally broken and everything he’d been bottling up for the last few months came flooding in, drowning him completely.

A knock on the door startled Isak out of his thoughts. Mrs. Næsheim shot up from her seat, expression shifting nervously.

Isak wasn’t sure whether he hoped for Even to walk through the door or not at that point. In the end, he guessed he _had_ been hoping for it to be him, because when it turned out to be someone else, he felt bitterly disappointed.

He recognised the girl, vaguely – curly hair, brown eyes, pretty – and then realised _where_ he recognised her from. He’d seen her linking hands with Even in the café months ago.

Even’s girlfriend.

“Let me guess,” she said, folding her arms and staring at Mrs. Næsheim bitterly. “You want me to drop the charges?”

 

* * *

 

It occurred to Isak, as he was walking back home, that he should have tried to stay longer. Should have tried to listen to Even’s girlfriend – he didn’t even know her name – talk about her side of the story; to hear what had actually happened. But he’d been so taken aback by the fact that Even still _had_ a girlfriend, and so struck by how awkward it was to be sitting in on her bickering with Even’s mother, that he’d downed his tea as quickly as he could, mumbled a goodbye and left.

He was kicking himself for it now, though.

Even still had a girlfriend. He still had a girlfriend, and Isak’s shirt still smelled like him, and he still had a thousand more questions he wanted to ask Even. A thousand more things he wanted to do with Even, to see with him, to experience with him. He just _missed_ him, more than he’d ever missed anyone, and maybe talking about how Even had left him had made everything feel that bit worse.

But none of that mattered. It wasn’t Isak’s place to worry about him anymore. Even had a girlfriend.

And, Isak reminded himself fiercely, _he_ had a boyfriend.

It had begun to rain again by the time Isak walked up to his house. He hadn’t thought his clothes through, really; he was still wearing his pyjama bottoms and the top he’d lent to Even and nothing else, so his hair was getting wet and his arms were getting cold.

Once he was home, he didn’t expect to almost cry at the sight of Jakob tidying up. It was ridiculous; his response was ridiculous. But Jakob was wearing Isak’s jumper, hood covering his hair, clearing up some of the food Isak had left out on the counter.

“Hi,” Isak said quietly.

Jakob turned around. Stood there with an empty crisp packet in his hand and smiled. “Hey, baby.”

Isak chewed his lip. “Sorry I snapped.”

“It’s okay,” Jakob said.

“No, but…I shouldn’t have taken stuff out on you,” Isak said, frowning, staring at the floor.

Jakob smiled and walked towards him; opened his arms up and pulled Isak to his chest, hugging him close, resting his chin on the top of Isak’s head. “It’s okay,” Jakob said again, voice quiet and calming. He swung Isak gently. Side to side, swaying on the spot. “I’m sorry too.”

“Why are _you_ sorry?” Isak mumbled against Jakob’s shoulder.

“I should've been more sensitive,” Jakob said quietly. “It’s shit. The police being after your friend is shit.”

Isak just hummed against his shoulder. He felt a strange mix of guilt and affection rush through him; wanted to both pull away and stay exactly where he was.

“You’re a good friend,” Jakob murmured, trailing his fingers up and down Isak’s back.

Isak just laughed.

“You are,” Jakob said softly. “You were pissed off when I said Even could’ve done it. That makes you a good friend.”

Isak pulled back a bit and looked at Jakob in the eyes. Pushed some of his hair away from his forehead and smiled softly, guiltily. Because he was perfect; Jakob was perfect, but he deserved to have someone who could appreciate that more than Isak could.

“I think he did it now,” Isak murmured quietly.

“Hmm?” Jakob hummed, continuing the slow, long movements up and down Isak’s back.

“I talked to his mum. She says he probably did it,” Isak said.

“Okay,” Jakob said quietly.

Isak pulled away properly, putting some more distance between them but still looping his hands around Jakob’s waist. He studied him for a while, wanting to tell him the truth. That Even was the ex from all the stories. But Jakob was looking at him with so much love, so much admiration, that the words kind of died in his throat.

“How about I finish tidying up, then we go out and go somewhere nice for breakfast?” Jakob suggested.

“Mm,” Isak hummed.

“Mm?” Jakob repeated, smiling.

“Mm,” Isak said, nodding, and grinned when Jakob closed the space between them and kissed him.

Maybe it was the guilt that made him do it, but Isak deepened the kiss; tried to prove – to Jakob or to himself, he wasn’t sure – that he loved Jakob. He thought that if he kissed him like this; over and over, hungrier and hungrier, he could make himself feel those same butterflies he felt when he first started dating him.

The miraculous thing was, it worked. They were there. The butterflies were there; starting in his belly and fluttering up to his chest.

They were just nothing compared to how it felt with Even.

Jakob’s eyes were closed and he moaned a little when Isak slipped him some tongue. He picked Isak up, turning them so that Isak was sat on the kitchen counter; Isak wrapped his legs around Jakob's waist and Jakob settled between Isak’s legs. Began kissing his neck, his chest, hands resting on Isak’s hips. And Isak just closed his eyes and placed his hands in Jakob’s hair, trying his best to get lost in it all.

"Your phone's ringing," Jakob murmured against Isak's chest.

"Fuck it," Isak said, breath hitching as Jakob kissed lower.

Jakob pulled away. Isak frowned in protest, but Jakob just smiled, cheeks flushed and lips wet. “Answer it. It might be about Even.”

Isak rolled his eyes but – well – answered the phone anyway.

“Hi, Sana,” Isak said, watching Jakob disappear into the living room to tidy a few things up.

“Took you long enough,” Sana said. “Why didn’t you answer me earlier?”

“Uh, I’ve been busy,” Isak mumbled. “Is this about the bio notes? I can get them to you—“

“No, it’s about Even,” Sana said.

Isak swallowed hard, eyeing Jakob, who was clearing up some of the stuff Even had left out.

“What about him?” Isak asked, trying to sound casual.

“Elias got a text from Mikael earlier. He’s with Even,” Sana explained, and Isak felt relief swell in his chest. He hadn’t even been aware of being that worried about it all, but the fact he could breathe properly again told him otherwise.

“Okay,” Isak said, sighing. “Okay, good. Is he okay?”

“I don’t know,” Sana said. “Mikael just ran into him at a car park. But Elias is driving over there now to go get them and bring Even home to his mum, so. Yeah."

“Okay,” Isak said.

“I just thought I’d let you know. I know he was with you the other day, so I didn't know--”  
  
“Yeah. Thanks, Sana.”

“What are best buds for, hm?”

Isak laughed. “True. Uh, bye, then.”

“Bye,” Sana said. “And don’t think I've forgotten about those notes!”

 

* * *

 

Isak walked into the living room a little while later, wondering vaguely what was taking Jakob so long and kind of wanting to resume where they’d left off earlier. But when he walked in, Jakob was frowning at him.

Isak felt his cheeks redden. “What?” he asked.

“Why didn’t you tell me Even was your ex?” Jakob asked. " _The_ ex?"

Isak felt his stomach drop. He swallowed hard, shook his head. “I – what?”

“He left you a drawing in the hoodie you gave him,” Jakob said, thrusting a piece of paper in Isak’s hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Isak closed his eyes. “I was going to,” he said quietly.

“But why _didn’t_ you?” Jakob asked. He wasn’t shouting; his voice was steady and even and just…hurt, above all else, but Isak winced as he felt the anger pour out of him regardless.

Isak sighed. “I just thought if I told you that you’d…that you’d freak out and not let him—“

“Not let him stay?” Jakob repeated, laughing bitterly. “You think I’d throw a mentally ill kid onto the street just because he’s my boyfriend’s ex? You really think that?”

“No,” Isak said quietly.

“Well what were you thinking, then?” Jakob asked.

“Well I – I don’t know,” he finished weakly.

“You could’ve told me,” Jakob said, voice trembling.

“I know.”

“You _should’ve_ told me.”

“I know.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

Jakob stared at him, then rolled his eyes. “I’m going out.”

“Where?” Isak asked.

“Out,” Jakob said. “I’m too pissed to talk to you right now.”

“Why are you – it wasn’t like we hooked up, Jakob, I just—“

Jakob slammed the door.

Isak scoffed in disbelief because - because _okay_ , okay, he probably shouldn’t have lied. But he couldn’t help thinking Jakob overreacted just a little bit.

Isak looked down at the crumpled piece of paper in his hand. With shaking fingers, he opened the note, and noticed that maybe Jakob had a right to feel so hurt.

There were two drawings: on the left hand side, Even had drawn Isak and Jakob holding hands and Even and his girlfriend holding hands. They looked happy enough, but Isak couldn’t help noticing that the drawing showed Even and Isak looking at each other.

On the right hand side, Even had drawn Isak and him alone together, holding hands, with a little heart above their heads.

He didn’t need to read the words written above the drawings, but he did anyway:

**SAME TIME, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HATE THIS CHAPTER WITH A BURNING PASSION but i hope you hate it a little less??? haha anyway let me know!!  
> this fic is probably going to last about 7-10 chapters, btw. i had originally planned to make it 20 chapters, but i've changed some of my ideas about the direction, and i don't want to drag it out unnecessarily long.  
> i hope this was okay to read, i know there was a distinct lack of even, haha, he will be returning! <3  
> as usual, comments and kudos are really appreciated!! thank you for all the lovely support on the last chapter <3333 i love you guys so much!!!


	5. I did it for you

Wednesday, 22:49PM

 

 **Isak** : I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Even

Come home, I miss you

Jakob?

Can we talk?

 **Jakob** : I need time

 **Isak** : time for what?

 **Jakob** : I need to think

 **Isak** : About what?

I’m sorry ok

Please can we talk

 **Jakob** : We’ll talk

I promise

I just need time to figure shit out

I don’t want to talk to you while I’m angry okay?

I’ll just say stuff I don’t mean

 **Isak** : Okay

I love you

 **Jakob** : I love you too, I promise

I’ll text you when I’m ready

 **Isak** : Okay ❤️

 

* * *

 

 It seemed absurd that Isak had school the next day.

They were into the summer term now, so it was mainly study sessions and exams. Isak had never felt less prepared for anything in his life and, by the time he turned up for the biology revision session after lunch, he was exhausted.

“Hey,” Sana said brightly, sitting next to Isak and flipping her notebook open. She scanned him once. “Everything okay?”

Isak nodded. It didn’t help that he hadn’t slept – like, at all – and the classroom was stuffy and hot. “Have you, uh…” He trailed off, trying to sound as casual as he could. “Have you heard anything more from Even?”

“Yeah,” Sana said, nodding. “Elias picked him up from the station last night.”

Isak frowned. “He’s out already?”

Sana stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“He – I thought they were sending him to prison, or…”

Sana scoffed. “He’s a 21-year-old boy who stole 5,000 kroner from his ex-girlfriend to pay for a boat holiday he thought she’d like to go on with him. And he was manic when he did it. They’re hardly going to hold him without bail.” 

“No,” Isak repeated, feeling stupid all of a sudden. He wasn’t sure why he’d allowed himself to get convinced that Even would be spending ten years in solitary confinement. “Ex-girlfriend?”

Sana smirked. “Yeah, they broke up a few weeks ago.”

“Oh,” Isak said, voice a little high-pitched.

“Anyway, Elias drove him to the station and Even handed himself in, so the police were more lenient on him anyway. He was only there for a couple of hours. He might have to go to court, but as long as he finds a way to pay her back, he’ll be fine,” Sana continued, shuffling her papers in her hand. She glanced over to Isak again and said, voice quieter, “Have you spoken to him?”

Isak shook his head. “Not since Tuesday night.”

Sana smiled a little sadly at him and squeezed his arm reassuringly. “You should. He misses you.”

“Yeah, no, I’m just…” Isak gestured vaguely to his head. “I just have so many fucking questions, I don’t know.”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “And how do you think those questions are going to get answered, genius?” she asked. She slapped him on the arm with his textbook, ignoring Isak when he swore loudly at her. “You need to talk to him!”

“Okay!” Isak said, rubbing his arm. “Jesus Christ.”

“Okay,” Sana said, nodding, opening her textbook again. “Now shut up, class is starting.”

 

* * *

 

 Thursday, 16:43PM

 

 **Magnus** : ok time to confess!!!!

team jakob or team even????

 **Isak** : Wtf

 **Jonas** : Hahaha

 **Mahdi** : Brooo

 **Magnus** : i’m team even

#evak4ever

 **Jonas** : They’re both my friends

 **Magnus** : yea but you knew jakob way before you knew even

 **Jonas** : Doesn’t mean he’s better for Isak

 **Magnus** : ok, 2-0 to even

mahdi?

 **Mahdi** : This is stupid

 **Isak** : Thank you Mahdi

 **Mahdi** : But Even

 **Isak** : Wtf

 **Jonas** : Haha

 **Magnus** : yay!!

 **Isak** : I thought you guys liked Jakob?

 **Magnus** : jakob is awesome

but you deserve someone who makes you the happiest boy in oslo

like vilde<3

 **Isak** : Are you saying I should date Vilde?

 **Magnus** : wtf!!!!! no

 **Mahdi** : Hahahaha

Visak <3

 **Isak** : 4ever

 **Magnus** : not funny

 **Jonas** : Hahaha

I can see it

 **Mahdi** : Don’t you think they’d make a good couple Mags?

 **Magnus** : no!!!

 **Jonas** : Hahaha

But seriously Isak

Are you good?

 **Isak** : Yeah I’m fine

Just a little stressed

 **Jonas** : Okay

We’re here if you wanna talk

 **Isak** : Thanks❤️

 **Jonas** : ❤️

 **Magnus** : ❤️

 **Mahdi** : ❤️

 **Magnus** : but do you guys really think isak and vilde would make a good couple?

 

* * *

 

He was at the café – the same one he’d seen Even and his girlfriend at all those months ago – picking up some coffee and checking his phone to see if Jakob had messaged him yet.

As expected, he hadn’t.

Isak was tired. To-the-bone exhausted, where every part of him was screaming for sleep. And it was late, but he was grabbing a coffee because, well, there was no way he’d sleep tonight anyway. He might as well _feel_ awake rather than spend the night feeling like a zombie. Maybe he’d actually get some schoolwork done.

By the time he got outside again, it was raining; which was much needed, actually, because it had been humid and sticky, and a thunderstorm would break all of that and make everything a bit more bearable again.

Then he saw him.

His hood was up but there was no mistaking him: Even was walking towards the café, face dimly lit under the streetlamps. Isak swallowed, standing there sort of frozen. Even stopped when he realised who was standing in front of him.

“Hi,” Even croaked, eyes dark and cheeks rosy.

“Hey,” Isak said.

And suddenly he was angry. Angry, or confused, or tired, or – or maybe it was the headache that wasn’t going away, or the fact that it was still humid or that he was pretty sure he was going to fail maths or –

“I, uh—” Even began.

“I got your drawing,” Isak said, breath rising and falling rapidly, hair damp and rain splattering dully around him. He walked closer as Even just sort of stood there, dumbfounded. “What the hell, Even?”

Even said nothing.

Isak ran a hand through his hair and sighed, turning around and taking a few steps before whirling back around to Even again. “You can’t just – you can’t just come back into my life and turn everything upside down,” he snapped. 

“Isak—“ Even began slowly.

“Why?” Isak demanded, voice shaking. “Why did you come to my house? After all this time?”

Even was quiet for a long time. He licked his lips; looked at Isak seriously. “I missed you.”

This strange feeling ran through Isak’s body – it was half-way between feeling like getting punched in the stomach and getting the best news in the world. He sighed and nodded. “You told me that. You said you'd never stopped missing me,” Isak said pathetically. “So why’d you wait to come back, then? If you missed me all along?”

Even simply stared.

Isak laughed humourlessly and said, “I was trying to move on from you. I had – I _have_  - a boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” Even said.

“So why did you come back?” Isak repeated, blinking as the lights of a car shone too brightly as it drove past. He swallowed; shook his head. "No, actually, why did you _leave_?"

Even was quiet, staring at a puddle on the floor. After a while he closed his mouth, swallowed, took a deep breath and said, “You remember the week before we broke up? When I was – when I was manic?”

Isak nodded. He kind of hated that Even used the phrase _broke up_ when - well – it hadn’t been a break up at all. Even had just left.

“You spent the whole week chasing after me,” Even continued. “And I went out at night and you followed me, and I ran into the road, remember?”

“Yeah,” Isak said slowly.

“You were so focused on me that you didn’t look where you were going. And that guy on the bicycle crashed into you.”

“Mm,” Isak said, not really sure where this was going. “But I mean – he barely – he didn’t hurt me, Even.”

“But he did,” Even said, frowning. “I know you _said_ he didn’t hurt you, but he did. Because a few days later we showered together and you just...your body – your whole body – there were bruises everywhere.”

Isak shook his head. “That’s because I was an idiot and didn’t look before I crossed the road,” Isak said.

“You didn’t look because you were looking at me,” Even said, voice barely above a whisper. “But I realised then, in that shower, that I’d just…that I’d keep hurting you. It didn’t matter how happy you made me, because I’d always end up hurting you. Maybe not physically like that, but...”

He trailed off, shrugging.

Isak felt his heartbeat everywhere: in his chest, his ears, his throat, his hands. He tried desperately to think of something to say, but instead, he just stepped closer.

“I don’t know what made me come back. But staying away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” Even said quietly. “And in the end, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it back when we first got together and I can’t do it now. But I’m not – I’m just - I'm too much. I'm not good enough for you, Isak. I never was.”

There was no self-pity in his voice. No ask for attention or validation. He stated everything like it was fact: like he was reading a passage from a textbook. Isak clung onto every word, trying to look for all the things Even was feeling but not saying.

“Even, that’s not…” Isak shook his head, almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. “That’s not your decision. It never _was_ your decision. It was mine. _I_ decided you were good enough for me. _I_ chose you.”

When Even simply looked at his shoes and said nothing, Isak continued.

“You don’t think I can decide for myself what’s good for me?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Even replied quickly, brows furrowed. “I just mean…you’re too good for _me_ , then.” Then, very quietly, he added: “Everyone is.”

Isak blinked at him, mouth hanging open, before shaking his head wildly. “That’s bullshit, Even.”

Even looked up, raising his eyebrows, and Isak met his gaze fiercely.

“You can’t just – you can’t just go around your whole life thinking you’re not good enough for anyone. You can’t shut people out because you’re scared of hurting them, Even. Even. _Even_ , look at me, I’m serious.”

Even’s gaze had fallen to the floor again, so Isak cupped his face in both hands and made their eyes meet. Even's hood fell off his head. This close, Isak could feel Even’s breath against his lips; could see each mole, each freckle, all the different specks of blue in Even’s bright eyes. Isak swallowed, trying not to let himself get lost in it all.

“I’ll just hurt you again,” Even said quietly.

“Do you want to know the two times you hurt me the most?” Isak said, voice gentle, fingers still holding onto Even’s cheeks firmly, squishing them a little. He brushed Even’s nose with his own, softly and quickly – couldn’t help it – couldn’t help how natural the movement came to him. “Hm?”

Even swallowed hard, frowning, searching Isak’s eyes. Isak had to resist the urge to kiss the worry off Even’s face.

“You hurt me when you left me the first time, way back in November, when we first started dating. Remember? Just after Halloween.”

“I remember,” Even said, voice breaking.

“And you hurt me when you left the second time, all those months ago. When you left and didn’t say anything.” Isak couldn’t help the way his voice sounded just that bit more fragile when he spoke. He coughed, clearing his throat. “Those are the only two times you’ve ever hurt me.”

“I didn’t mean for that to hurt you,” Even said. He shook his head, frowning. “I did it _for_ you.”

Isak nodded, closing his eyes as their noses rubbed together again, foreheads pressed together. “I know.”

Because he did – he knew that now. Everything was falling together, feeling like this obvious little conclusion that Isak should have come to months ago. Because Even loved him. He had loved him; maybe he still did, and even if he didn't, he'd never want to hurt Isak. And Isak couldn’t really believe he’d ever let himself think that Even would _want_ to hurt him. Those fleeting thoughts had come when Isak was at his lowest, when he missed Even so desperately that he wished and wished he could bring himself to hate him. He’d never been able to, though. Not for a second.

Isak’s eyes were hooded – close to fluttering shut – his lips parted and close, so close, to kissing Even. He licked his bottom lip and imagined it: imagined the way Even’s lips would feel against his, warm and safe and soft, how they’d leave Isak breathless and hungry for more; he imagined how it would feel to have his hands in Even’s hair again, properly, running his fingers through it as they kissed; he imagined trailing his hands down to rest at the back of Even’s neck and imagined the way Even would pull away, ever so slightly, resting his forehead against Isak’s with his mouth open as he caught his breath. Isak imagined all these things, imagined how sweet and good and wonderful it would feel, until he realised he wasn’t imagining it at all: he was _remembering_ it. Remembering what it felt like to kiss Even.

It would have been so easy. Even was right there, literally at his fingertips, Isak’s thumb smoothing over the skin on Even’s cheek. Even’s breathing was getting a little heavier, too, eyes fixed on Isak’s lips.

Isak wasn’t sure how long they stood there for. His body felt charged, and he was acutely aware of every single sensation running through him; the pounding in his chest, the butterflies fluttering around his tummy, the warmth of Even’s skin under his hands; he felt the raindrops on the back of his neck, trickling down his spine; he felt his arms spark up with goosebumps; the way his breath caught in his throat. Every single sensation was amplified, and he was charged and alive and waiting. Waiting for something to happen.

It felt like they were daring each other to make the first move; to close the distance between them and finally, finally join their lips together. And Isak would’ve kissed Even back, if Even had kissed him. He knew that for certain. But he didn’t want to be the one to kiss Even first; not when a small, nagging voice in the back of his head was making him think of Jakob.

It was as that voice grew a little more demanding that Isak pulled away. It was agonising – every atom in his body was screaming at him to go back, go closer, go kiss him. Touch him. Feel him. Be with him.

“What I mean,” Isak said, brushing a hand through Even’s damp curls softly, pushing them away from his eyes, “is that my life is better when you’re in it, Even. And I think…I think yours is better with me in it too.”

Even’s swallowed and gave a very small, slight nod.

“I’m not saying we should be together if that’s not what you – we – want,” Isak continued, struggling to make his voice level. “But I’m just saying we should be in each other’s lives.”

For the first time that night, Even’s lips twitched into something that could almost be a smile. “Yeah,” he said.

“Yeah?” Isak asked, smiling, shaking Even a little.

“Yeah,” Even said, more certainly this time. He looked at Isak, smile growing bigger now. Cupped Isak’s cheek and nodded again.

“Isak and Even,” Isak said, smiling, more to himself than to Even. “You know, I don’t think there’s a universe where we don’t have each other.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “Not one? In all the universes that exist?”

“Mm,” Isak hummed, laugh bubbling out of him. “Not one.”

“Wow,” Even said, laughing breathlessly.

“I don’t think we should change that,” Isak said. “We don’t want to mess with the universe, right?”

Even exhaled, long and steady and full of relief. He wasn’t smiling anymore, just nodding and pressing his forehead against Isak’s again. “Right.”

There was a brief, fleeting moment where Isak thought Even was going to kiss him. Maybe he was; he licked his lips and placed a hand on the back of Isak’s neck, and Isak closed his eyes in anticipation, arms hanging limply by his side as his breath caught in his throat.

Even’s lips did meet Isak’s skin, but didn’t touch his lips. Instead, Even placed a quick kiss to Isak’s cheek before wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug.

Isak buried his nose into the crook of Even’s neck; closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He’d forgotten what this felt like; what it felt to be wrapped up so warm, so safe. To feel so peaceful at the simple presence of another person.

His arms trailed up and settled on Even’s back, pulling him in a little closer, squeezing him that bit tighter. Even hummed softly, threading one hand through the hair at the back of Isak’s head and trailing the other hand down Isak’s back, leaving sparks in its wake.

“I should go,” Even whispered eventually. “I told my mum I’d be home an hour ago.”

Isak nodded against Even’s shoulder, but he didn’t move away. In fact, he pulled Even that bit tighter, fingers circling against Even’s waist. “Can we just stay like this for a little longer?” he asked quietly, voice muffled against the fabric of Even’s hoodie.

He felt Even nod against him. “Sure,” he said. “As long as you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it!!!!!  
> if u did, please leave comments bc they give me life, and kudos is amazing, and just...thanks for all the support so far, guys!! it means the world to me, honestly!!! i literally never know what to say so i hope you all know just how much i appreciate it <33333  
> this fic will probably be about 8 chapters, but that might change and go up to 10, depending on how long the following chapters become when i write them :')  
> p.s. skam is over and i'm so sad :( but i have a billion au ideas!! and feel free to leave any ideas you have/would like me to write toooo!!! either pop them in the comments below or send me a msg on tumblr :) <33  
> p.p.s. i hope even's storyline is starting to make sense a bit now. even hasn't acted well in this universe at all, but i hope you can all start to understand his actions a bit better. that this chapter goes some way to clearing that up. idk i'm rambling aousfhnsfd anyway yeah!!! <33


	6. If that's what you want

Saturday, 11:11AM

 

 **Even** : Sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it

 **Isak** : isn’t that a quote from brokeback mountain?

 **Even** : Lol

Yeah

 **Isak** : Haha

Nerd

I miss you too

 **Even** : What are you doing tonight?

 **Isak** : I don’t know, Jakob’s coming over in a bit

So depends how that goes I guess

Why?

 **Even** : That’s chill

Good luck

 **Isak** : thanks

❤

 **Even** : ❤

 

 

* * *

 

 He knew what he needed to do when Jakob walked through the door, but that didn’t make it any easier.

“Hey,” Jakob said quietly.

“Hey,” Isak said.

Jakob glanced at Isak through tired eyes, his hair a mess like always. He seemed scared, more than anything; apprehensive as he shrugged his jacket off, as though he wasn’t really sure what he should be doing with it.

Isak wasn’t really sure what to do, either. He was stood awkwardly in the living room, unmoving, hands clasped together in front of him like he was in a fucking business meeting or something.

He licked his lips and open and closed his mouth stupidly before shaking his head. “Do you want some tea?”

“Yeah,” Jakob said, nodding. “Tea would be great.”

 

* * *

 

They sat in the living room in silence for a little while. Isak’s tea was left on the side, going cold – he never really liked it anyway, just drank it because Jakob said it was good for him – but Jakob held his mug close to his face, just kind of sipping on it, and Isak wondered vaguely whether he was using it as an excuse not to talk.

"You were shit at making tea when we got together," Jakob said fondly, smiling over his cup.

Isak just laughed, and they fell into silence again.

“Jakob,” Isak said eventually; apprehensively.

Jakob looked up at him and smiled softly. And that was it, the killer blow, and Isak felt himself shrink away.

“What?” Jakob asked, not unkindly.

Isak frowned, tempted – so tempted – to stare at the floor, to avoid Jakob’s gaze, because Jakob had kind eyes and a sweet smile and it would’ve been too easy to forget everything and stay with him. But he knew it wasn’t fair to do that; not fair on Jakob, or on Even, or on Isak himself.

“I think…” He tilted his head from side to side and - fuck it - stared at the floor, because it was too hard to look at him. “I...I think we need to break up.” He stared at the floor for a while longer until the silence got too much and he had to look up; to his surprise, when he did, Jakob was nodding.

It was another few minutes until Jakob actually spoke.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Isak laughed at that. “Am _I_ okay? Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you okay?”

“Mm,” Jakob hummed, pressing his lips together and nodding. “Is, um. Is this about Even?”

Isak licked his lips and nodded. “Kind of,” he said slowly.

Jakob set his tea down on the side and moved to sit next to Isak, placing a hand on his thigh. The touch was a little unnatural, maybe even to Jakob, because he took his hand off almost right away. “Are you still in love with him?”

Isak wasn’t really sure how to respond, but after a long while, he shrugged. “Maybe,” he said quietly.

Jakob nodded. Smiled to himself, then said, “I thought so.”

Isak frowned again. “I just need you to know I was never using you to get over him,” he said quickly, shaking his head. Because it was true, and he needed Jakob to understand that. “I really was happy with you.”

“I believe you,” Jakob said. He ran a hand through his hair. “But I don’t think you ever fully got over him.”

“Hm?” Isak asked.

Jakob shook his head. “Remember ages ago, when you first told me about him? You didn’t tell me his name. But the way you spoke about him…like he was your great big first love or something.” Jakob smiled and nodded to himself. “I knew at that moment that if he ever came back into your life, I was fucked. Maybe I should’ve broken up with you then.”

Isak felt guilt worm its way under his skin, making his cheeks redden and his eyes fall to the floor again. “Sorry,” he said.

“Don’t, it’s—“

“No, I’m serious,” Isak said, frowning. “You’re a good person. I shouldn’t have fucked you about like that.”

“You didn’t fuck me about,” Jakob said.

“No, but you don’t deser—“

“Isak, the other day,” Jakob began tentatively, “when I found that drawing. You know what I was going to do?”

“Mm?” Isak asked.

“I was going to throw it away,” Jakob said. “Or hide it, rip it up, whatever. The only reason I didn’t was because you walked into the living room and found me.”

Isak didn’t know what to say.

“I love you so much, Isak,” Jakob continued. “But I don’t want that to turn me into a bad person, you know?”

“Mm,” Isak hummed. He couldn’t find it in him to be angry at Jakob, not really. “For what it’s worth, you’re like, one of the best people I know.”

Jakob just laughed.

“I’m serious,” Isak said, smiling, sitting up, getting a little more animated. “It’s like...I could write a list of what makes the perfect boyfriend, and it’d just be a list of all your traits.”

Jakob laughed. “I might keep you to that.”

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Get any new potential boyfriend to give you a call.”

Isak let out a bark of laughter. “What, like I’m giving them a reference or something?”

“Yeah,” Jakob said, grinning brilliantly. Isak had always liked his smile; liked the way it dimpled his cheeks. It was the first thing he noticed about him.

They settled into silence, smiles growing smaller, sadness creeping into Isak’s chest. The thought of not being with Jakob felt right – really, it did, he couldn’t be with him now he was so acutely aware of how he felt for Even – but there was this terrible sadness swelling in his chest at the thought of leaving him. At the thought of not waking up next to him, of not listening to him rant about the environment or watch him make ridiculous smoothies; that he wasn't going to find him playing his guitar at a ridiculous time in the morning or see him get excited about the design of his newest tattoo. It all felt like a sad little farewell.

“We’ll still see each other, though, right?” Jakob asked quietly, like he was reading Isak's mind.

“Yeah,” Isak said quickly, nodding. “Of course.”

He turned to Jakob and smiled; stroked his cheek before his hand dropped to rest on Jakob’s thigh. He moved up to stroke Jakob’s hip with his thumb, right over where he knew Jakob had a tattoo of a sunflower.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“Me too,” Jakob said, and God, his voice was breaking, and when Isak dared to look at him he saw that Jakob’s bright green eyes were damp.

They sat there for a little while in silence, Isak’s thumb still resting absently on Jakob’s hip. Jakob coughed, sniffed; slapped his thighs and sat up straighter, and Isak’s thumb fell away.

“I should go,” Jakob said.

“Yeah,” Isak said, coughing, voice breaking too, now. “Or…did you want to finish your tea?”

Jakob looked like he was ready to stand up and go, but he relaxed when his eyes fell on the mug on the coffee table. “Sure,” he said, smiling. “I’ll finish my tea.”

 

* * *

 

 Sunday, 13:01

 **Jonas** : Jakob told me you guys broke up

Are you okay?

 **Isak** : yea I’m good

 **Jonas** : Do you wanna hang later?

 **Isak** : Sure

 **Jonas** : Awesome. Park at 17:00?

 **Isak** : Sounds good

 **Jonas** : ✌

 

 

* * *

 

They didn’t talk about Even or Jakob at the park.

He’d known Jonas had wanted to; had handed Isak a beer and asked him if he wanted to talk about anything. Isak had shaken his head; had accepted the beer and cracked it open. It would’ve been easier to talk if Eva hadn’t joined them, because suddenly it felt like Isak was sixteen years old again; hanging out with Eva and Jonas on his own, a little miserable and a little sorry for himself.

It was different, of course, he reminded himself fiercely. He didn’t have feelings for Jonas anymore. He was out now, and he was probably happier than he was back then. It was just a little difficult to feel like he was in a better place, when all he could think about was Even.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it, man?” Jonas asked quietly. Eva had just gone to meet Magnus and Vilde; was going to bring them back to the skate park which, okay, Isak wasn’t aware he was barging in on a double date.

“There’s nothing to say,” Isak said. “We broke up.”

“What about Even?” Jonas asked quietly.

“We broke up too,” Isak said, smile curling on his lips.

He could feel Jonas tense near him. “Yeah, but…didn’t you want to get back with him?”

Isak shrugged. “Yeah, but I don’t know if he wants to get back with me.”

“So you need to ask him,” Jonas said. “Just be honest, man. Go over to his house and ask him.”

Isak stared at him for a while, milling over his words. “I don’t know.”

“What have you got to lose?” Jonas asked.

Isak shrugged. “I guess.”

Jonas nudged him. “He loves you, man," he said, glancing over Eva as she returned. "And you love him. You’ll work it out.”

 

* * *

 

He could only stand half an hour being in the same place as Magnus, Vilde, Eva and Jonas, so after downing his beer, Isak babbled an excuse and left to go home.

And he _had_ planned to go home. He really, truly had. He was halfway there before he stopped and turned around, a little dizzy from the two cans of beer he’d downed a bit too quickly.

But suddenly, something switched inside of him; it was like receiving a shock of electricity through his body, lighting him up and shaking him awake. As if some force outside of himself was grabbing him, yelling at him, asking what the hell he was doing.

He knew that Even might need time. That whatever had made Even doubt that their relationship would work before had probably not gone away; had probably lingered and was still haunting him. But that didn’t matter right now. Because Isak wasn’t interested in making their relationship work at the moment – they could talk about that later. He just wanted to _see_ Even; to talk to him and sit with him and just _be_ with him, simply and literally; to just be in his presence and be comforted by the knowledge that they had each other, in whatever way that was. That was all he wanted, all he could focus on, as he stumbled through the streets of Oslo until he ended up at Even’s house.

When Even opened the door, Isak kind of froze. He wasn’t sure what to say all of a sudden. He hadn't planned what to say; had just stumbled blindly with one thing on his mind: Even. He hadn't really thought much further than just getting here.

Even was in jogging bottoms and a white t-shirt, and he was staring at Isak curiously, intensely, a telling twitch to his lips that made Isak wonder if he was surprised to see him.

A smaller, more hopeful part of him wondered whether it had meant Even was _happy_ to see him.

Isak swallowed hard. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” Even said, voice low.

They were quiet for a little while. “Are your parents in?”

Even shook his head. Isak nodded, placing his hands in his pockets. “I, uh, broke up with Jakob. So.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Isak repeated.

Even pressed his lips together. Looked down at the floor, then up at Isak again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak said again, his eyes flitted over Even. His hair was messy and perfect and his eyes were bright and blue and wide, long golden eyelashes framing them and _okay_ , _yeah_ , Isak needed to stop staring or he’d get lost in those eyes forever.

It was a little cold, and it had begun raining again; soft little pattering of raindrops on the pavement outside, making a quiet hushing noise around him. “Can I stay here tonight?” Isak asked.

“Of course,” Even said.

“Okay,” Isak said.

“Okay,” Even repeated, smiling, eyes crinkling at the corners and God, _God_ , Isak had missed seeing those eyes in a smile.

They stood there a little while longer, Isak’s heart pounding furiously in his chest. It was ridiculous how much Even had this effect on him; how the mere presence of him alone was enough to make Isak shiver in the sweetest way. It was the same shiver he'd felt when he first saw Even in the cafeteria; the same shiver he'd had when they'd shared their first kiss, when they first slept together. The same shiver he'd had whenever Even came home from work; when he woke Isak up with kisses in the morning; when he'd kissed Isak’s neck as Isak washed the dishes. It never went away – never had, Isak realised briefly; never would. Every time he saw Even, he was just as transfixed as he'd been the first time he'd seen him. Maybe even more. 

And Isak knew now - was more certain than he'd ever been - that Even was there to stay. Even was laced into every part of him; scribbled into every corner of Isak’s body like a tattoo illustrated by the world's most wonderful artist.

“I love you,” Isak said breathlessly, not really realising what he was saying; letting the words leave his mouth before he’d had time to think about whether it was a good idea or not. Even was looking at him with his lips parted, chest rising and falling rapidly, eyes wide and brows knitted. Isak shook his head and looked down. “Fuck, sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

Before Isak realised what was happening, Even had left the doorway; he strode forward, cupped Isak’s face with his hands and kissed him with such force that Isak stumbled backwards. Even moved with him, staggering forwards as well, keeping their lips pressed together as they stepped back into the rain. Even's hands were strong and sure on his cheeks and Isak registered, faintly, that those hands were probably the only thing keeping him upright; his body felt limp, liquid, his arms hanging uselessly by his side in a state of vague shock. If Even let go, Isak was sure his legs would buckle from under him and he'd collapse to the floor. 

Even’s lips were exactly as he remembered them: soft, beautiful, chapped and perfect. Isak was only frozen for a few seconds before he jolted awake and responded to the kiss; before he wrapped his arms around Even's waist and pulled him impossibly close. They stood chest to chest, foreheads together, and their noses were smushed awkwardly against one another but yes, _yes._  

Their lips fit together beautifully, just as they had always done; clumsy and out of practice and nervous, but certain, eager, hungry and desperate. The kiss was perfect not because it was a good kiss; not because it belonged in a film acted by Hollywood actors; not because it was something from a romance novel. It was perfect because it was  _them_ ; Isak and Even, under the rain outside Even’s house, a little cold, with tired eyes and raindrops on their face; with messy hair and the taste of beer on Isak’s – and now Even’s – lips. It was perfect because were together, holding onto one another, Isak fisting the back of Even’s shirt and Even’s hands still cupping Isak’s cheeks, pulling and pushing each other impossibly closer. And Isak decided then, in that moment, that he never wanted to let Even go again.

“I love you too,” Even whispered between kisses.

Isak just nodded against him, a raindrop falling from his nose as his lips parted and he gasped for air, eyes focused on Even’s lips. “Then stay with me,” he said, pressing the words between the small space between their lips.

Even nodded feverishly. “Forever,” he murmured against Isak's lips, “if that’s what you want.”

“That’s what I want,” Isak said quietly, closing his eyes and kissing him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhiafsdhuifsf sorry this chapter is up a little later than usual! i hope you enjoyed it ❤️  
> also u see that fluff tag??? mild spoiler: that's gunna come into play next chapter ❤️


	7. I feel safe with you

Isak couldn’t sleep.

Which was weird, considering he never usually had trouble sleeping when Even was around. Yet there he was, lying in Even’s bunkbed, staring at the ceiling and willing sleep to come as Even snoozed peacefully beside him.

It was okay, though. Of all the nights Isak had spent lying awake, lying next to Even like this was one of the better ones.

They hadn’t done anything else except for kiss that evening. Kiss and watch movies until Even drifted off; until Isak woke him up at 1AM and they clambered into bed together. It had been nice; more than nice, really. It had been perfect, because it had been them, making jokes and eating food and kissing and laughing, and Isak thought that if he could do that forever, then he would.

He turned over, very carefully, so that he was facing Even. Isak wondered whether there would ever be a day that he wasn’t temporarily stunned by just how beautiful Even was. Because even then, snoring quietly with his mouth open, his hair a little greasy and acne scattered across his forehead, Even was the most beautiful creature Isak had ever laid eyes on.

“Can’t sleep?” Even murmured, eyes still closed.

Isak shook his head. Then, realising Even couldn’t see him, he whispered, “No.”

Even didn’t open his eyes; instead, he sighed and pulled Isak closer to him. He rolled them around until Isak was resting with his head against Even’s chest, ear against Even's heart. Isak hummed contentedly, closing his eyes as Even began moving his fingers in soothing circles against Isak’s scalp, massaging some of the tension away. He felt himself relax into it; heard himself sigh and felt his eyes get a little heavier as Even planted gentle kisses against Isak’s forehead. Slow, gentle, reassuring kisses, pressed against him again and again, until almost all of the thoughts Isak had whirring through his head dissolved; kissed away by Even's lips.

Isak wasn’t sure what it was about lying like this that made it so much easier to sleep. He wasn’t sure if it was the warmth from Even’s skin, or the way Even’s fingers threaded through Isak’s hair just right; he wasn’t sure if it was the way he felt impossibly close to Even, as though they were melting into one person, or the way it allowed Isak to hear the steady, slow, comforting beat of Even’s heart, playing like a lullaby against his ears. He wasn’t sure what it was – maybe it was a combination of all of those things – but soon enough, he felt himself pulled away by the gentle waves of sleep that had been tugging at him ever since he'd laid his head against Even’s chest.

 

* * *

 

Even’s phone woke them up later that morning, buzzing incessantly against Even’s desk below them.

Neither of them moved quick enough to answer it – nor could they be bothered to move, in all honesty – but it was kind of nice, waking up at the same time. Isak’s head was resting on Even’s ribs, and he shuffled up a bit, propping his chin against Even’s chest and smiling up at him. He couldn’t help letting out a little laugh at the sight of Even staring back down at him, hair messy and unstyled, eyes a bit puffy from sleep, crinkled at the corners from the huge smile on his face.

“Good morning,” Even said, running a hand through Isak’s hair.

Isak smiled sleepily at him; moved further up Even’s body again and kissed him, eyelids fluttering shut, lips moving gently against Even’s. Even tasted a little bitter, teeth unbrushed, and Isak was pretty sure he tasted the same but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He kissed Even some more, enjoying the way his lips felt against his own, the way Even’s hand trailed down Isak’s spine, leaving goose bumps in its wake. And Isak had meant to simply kiss Even good morning – really, he had – but now he was acutely aware of the fact that they were both wearing nothing but their boxers, and that Even’s hand was trailing lower and lower down Isak’s back; he became more attuned to the way Even was opening the kisses up a bit more, tongue brushing against Isak’s and moaning faintly when it did; he noticed how Even was pulling Isak closer, now, their bodies aligning perfectly and waking up beneath them, Even’s hips tilting up just enough that Isak could feel –

Even’s phone rang again.

Isak rolled away, sighing a little, smiling as Even chased his lips. He let Even kiss him, giggling into it; let Even move on top of Isak, kissing him more reverently this time, all tongues and hands exploring down, down, down; but the ringing was relentless, and eventually Isak pressed a hand against Even’s chest and pushed him away; just an inch or so, but enough to break the kiss.

“Answer it,” Isak said, unable to move his eyes from Even’s lips.

Even rolled his eyes and smiled; moved to kiss Isak again, but Isak only let Even kiss him once, quickly, until he pushed him away again.

“Okay,” Even said, climbing off the bed and grabbing his phone and swearing under his breath. “Fuck, I think my mum’s asked Elias to babysit me while she’s gone.”

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Answer it,” he said again.

“Yeah, okay,” Even said.

Isak smiled, watching as Even left the room, telling Elias that he was fine – “No, you don’t need to come over, I was just busy…yeah, I promise, I’m fine” – and when Even closed the door, Isak moved to grab his own phone before settling back into bed again.

 

* * *

 

 

 Monday, 11:24AM

 

**Magnus** : isakkk why aren’t you at school?????

**Mahdi** : I told you, he’s probably with Even

**Magnus** : …no reply…suspicious

shall i text even and ask?

**Jonas** : Nah just let them chill

**Magnus** : too late i already texted him

**Jonas** : Ffs Mags

**Magnus** : what??!?! i just asked if he was with isak and if they’re going to get back together

is that bad???

**Jonas** : It’s not bad but you should just let them chill and figure it out for themselves

You don’t even know if he’s with Even

**Magnus** : he’s with even

**Mahdi** : Yeah I’m actually with Magnus on this one, he’s with Even

**Jonas** : My point is, we should let them figure it out for themselves

**Magnus** : maybe i’ll add even to this chat, what do you think?

**Jonas** : No

**Mahdi** : No

**Magnus** : why not????

doesn’t matter anyway, he doesn’t have facebook

i just realised!!! that means they can’t be facebook official

**Jonas** : Does that matter?

**Magnus** : vilde says being facebook official is as important as being “official” official

**Jonas** : Vilde’s crazy man

**Mahdi** : Agreed

**Magnus** : don’t talk about her like that

anyway the point is, isak: are you at even’s?????

????

**Jonas** : I’m turning notifications off

**Mahdi** : Same

**Magnus** : no don’t!! ok i’ll stop

**Isak** : Sorry. Yea I’m at Even’s

**Magnus** : HA!!!!!

**Mahdi** : I knew it

**Magnus** : are you back together???

what’s going on?????

**Isak** : I don’t know. We’re taking it one step at a time

But it’s good. Things are good

**Jonas** : Glad to hear it man ❤

**Mahdi** : Same bro

**Magnus** : same!!

maybe we can do that double date we were talking about

me you even vilde

isak?????

 

* * *

 

They’d planned on going out for lunch, but by the time they actually got up and showered, it was raining again. Neither of them could really be bothered to go out when the weather was quite so miserable – and if Isak was honest, he wasn’t that keen on going out even if it had been sunny – so in the end, they changed into some comfy, clean clothes and settled on the sofa.

They kind of stared at each other for a while, both smiling up at each other. Even had his arm around Isak, playing with the fabric resting on his collarbone. And Isak couldn’t stop grinning, nervous laughter bubbling out of him at the sight of Even looking at him so intensely.

“What?” Isak asked eventually.

“Nothing,” Even said, smiling wider, eyes crinkling, and they were quiet again until: “Do you want to watch something?”

“A film?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, or a TV show or something,” Even said.

Isak rolled his eyes. “We’ll never find a show we both want to watch, Even,” he said. “What’s on Netflix?”

Even handed him the remote.

“Fast and furious 7?” Isak asked.

“Fast and furious 7?” Even repeated, raising his eyebrows.

“What’s wrong with that?” Isak asked.

“No, nothing,” Even said, though his voice was a little higher than usual. “Haven’t we seen it already, though?”

“No,” Isak said. “We tried to watch it before, but you’d always…distract me.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “Distract you?”

“Yeah!” Isak said indignantly. “You’d always…you know…I don’t fucking know.”

Even laughed. “Good explanation,” he said.

“Fuck you,” Isak mumbled, laughing, cheeks reddening.

“So…Fast and Furious 7, then?” Even asked, frowning, shuffling a little closer to Isak.

“Best film franchise of all time,” Isak said, nodding.

Even rolled his eyes again.

“It is!” Isak said indignantly.

“Okay!” Even said, laughing. “Put it on, then.”

 

* * *

 

There was a part of Isak that genuinely wanted to watch the film. There was another part, however, that knew Even would find it kind of boring. Another part that quietly hoped Even would be looking for a distraction.

Around twenty minutes into the film, Isak felt Even’s gaze on him. He wished he had the willpower not to look at Even back; that he could stare at the film and be smug in the knowledge that Even was watching him. But that just wasn’t  _him_. He was impatient; had never really come down from the high of that morning, when he'd felt Even against him before Elias rang. It had been nagging at him ever since, making him a little restless; legs bouncing up and down, eyes flitting over Even every chance he got, unable to stop staring at him.

He couldn’t help turning his head to meet Even’s gaze; to smile ridiculously shyly and feel his cheeks redden at the way Even was looking at him. Even’s arm was still around Isak’s shoulder, but his hand moved up to play with Isak’s hair. He played with Isak’s curls idly, eyes flitting from Isak’s eyes to his lips.

“What is it?” Isak asked, grinning, eyebrows raised.

Even said nothing. Just smiled, his free hand moving to rest on Isak’s thigh. The film played in the background, obnoxiously loud explosions blaring from the speakers, but Isak barely registered them. All he could focus on was the feel of Even’s hand on his thigh; on the way Even’s eyes were bright and blue and getting swallowed by his pupils; on the way Even’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat when he swallowed almost nervously – which was ridiculous, Even being nervous was ridiculous – and Isak wanted to tell him that, but all words seemed to die in his throat and he just looked up at Even stupidly, waiting for his next move.

The hand Even had in his hair moved to Isak’s cheek, thumb brushing against Isak’s lips and pulling his mouth open slightly. Isak wanted desperately to swipe his tongue over Even’s thumb, but his brain was working more slowly than usual and it was all he could do to stare, feeling his body come to life as Even shuffled closer, a trail of sparks left in every place Even touched – his thigh, his cheek; then his neck, his waist; his heartbeat sped up a little and he was breathing more quickly than usual until - fuck it - he couldn’t take it anymore. Isak moved forward, so close to Even that he was practically sat in his lap, and he tilted his head up and kissed him.

There was no tentativeness when Isak kissed Even this time. The kiss was immediately hungry; open-mouthed and tongue meeting tongue, and Even let out a little soft sound – of surprise, maybe – and Isak pulled back just for a second, just to see Even’s face, to check he was okay, but Even immediately pulled him back in and kissed him again.

He was acutely aware of everywhere Even was and wanted more –  _needed_  more - a desperate kind of ache running through him as he tugged on Even’s hair, moving so he was straddling Even’s lap. He pulled Even’s shirt off and let Even do the same to him, and he was about to kiss him again when his world was flipped upside down. Suddenly, Isak was lying on his back, Even crawling between Isak’s legs and grinding down in the sweetest way, making Isak arch his back and gasp, spreading his legs a little more and  _God_ , he sounded desperate, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

"Need you," Isak murmured.

“Isak,” Even said, pulling away a little. 

“Mm?” Isak asked, pulling Even back down, just a bit, needing Even close again.

“I…” Even paused, scanning Isak’s eyes nervously, which made Isak sit up and look at Even properly.

“What is it?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t have any condoms,” Even said.

“That doesn’t matter, we never – oh,” Isak said, realising that, actually, they probably needed to start using them again seeing as they had both been with other people since their break up. “Um, yeah. Okay.”

Even kissed Isak’s cheek. “We’ll buy some later, yeah?”

Isak nodded. Smiled as Even smiled – it was infectious, that beautiful grin – and tilted his chin up in a silent request. Even obliged, cupping Isak’s cheek as he kissed him happily.

He trailed his hand away from Isak’s face, down to his chest before his hand rested patiently at Isak’s hip.

“We can do other stuff, though, right?” Isak asked against Even’s lips, feeling them break into a smile.

“Yeah,” Even said, nodding. “We can do other stuff.”

And Isak had missed this; had missed feeling so close to Even – had missed the familiar weight of his body pressed against his own; the way they moved almost perfectly in synch; how they seemed to just  _know_  each other, inside and out – Isak knew how Even liked to be touched and Even knew how Isak liked to be touched. He’d known he’d missed Even like this, but he hadn’t realised just how much; had forgotten how Even’s touch made him light up from the inside out, how his fingers worked magic against Isak’s skin. Isak was just so  _sensitive_  to Even, more than he had been with anyone else before; so hyperaware of every little perfect movement that Even made, and he wanted nothing more than for it to be the two of them, like this, forever.

 

* * *

 

They were lying on the rug on the floor – stupid, really, when Even’s bed was literally only a few metres away, but they were both too tired to move – and they were staring at each other dazedly. Even had managed to get up and grab some tissues so he could clean himself up (he’d cleaned Isak up, too, because Isak always became kind of boneless and unable to move after he came), and now they were just lying there. Saying nothing, staring at each other, listening to the dull patter of raindrops against the windows.

And Isak couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help feeling a little bit of sadness wash over him. He didn’t know why – maybe he was just coming down from everything, or maybe it was because the realisation of  _why_  they hadn’t been able to have sex was finally sinking in. Either way, he felt a little afraid, a little sad, a little vulnerable.

Even was staring at him seriously, his fingers playing with the curls above Isak’s ear. "Everything okay?" he asked.

Isak was quiet for a long time, then said, very quietly: “How do I know you won’t leave again?”

Even’s hand froze and he swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” he said, pulling his hand away and rolling over to face the ceiling. He swallowed again, eyes flitting over Isak once as he shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“I just need you to know that you don’t do me any favours by leaving,” Isak said, frowning, needing to get this out, now. “That if you ever feel like that, can you just…can you tell me?”

Even turned his head to face him and nodded once.

Isak shuffled a little closer, moving a hand to Even’s face, too. “Promise me,” Isak said quietly. “Promise me you’ll tell me if you start thinking like that again.”

“I promise,” Even said quietly, voice hoarse.

Isak nodded, moving a hand onto Even’s cheek. “Okay,” he said, moving to kiss Even. He settled on his chest again and felt Even sigh.

They remained like that for a long time, just kind of breathing each other in, limbs tangled together; Isak didn't think there was a single part of his body that wasn't touching Even somewhere.

“I’m sorry,” Even said again after a while. When Isak looked up at him, Even continued. “For everything. For hurting you.”

“It’s okay,” Isak said quietly.

“I wanted to come back the first minute I left,” Even told him seriously, looking Isak in the eyes when he said it. “But I just…the longer I left it, I just…” He frowned and shook his head. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t come back.”

“You’re back now,” Isak said simply.

“I’ve been seeing a therapist again,” Even continued, looking away, now; frowning as he stared at their feet that peaked out of the blanket they’d thrown over themselves. “And he said something I can’t stop thinking about.”

Isak swallowed. Even never – at least not while they were together – spoke very highly of therapists. He pressed his lips together, then said, as casually as he could, “What was that?”

“He said that when everything feels bad, it’s good to have a place to go to where you feel safe,” Even said, repeating the words a little mechanically. He dragged his eyes away from their feet and looked at Isak, playing with his hair again. “A house or a room or something that makes you feel good. I tried to think of where mine was. I thought it was Kollektivet, or maybe our old flat. And then I realised something.” He paused, swallowing hard, and Isak simply looked at him patiently. “I just feel safe when I’m with you. It doesn’t matter where.”

“You  _are_  safe with me,” Isak said, voice so quiet it was almost lost amongst the raindrops.

“I just want to be that person for you too,” Even said, still frowning. “But I don’t know if…because I’m…I can’t be.”

“I feel safe with you,” Isak said. Then, because Even didn’t look like he’d really registered what Isak said, Isak tilted his head to look at him again. “Even, I feel safe with you.”

“But when I’m ill—”

“It gets scary sometimes, yeah. But it’s not like I’m…I’m…like I’m scared  _of_  you. I’m just scared  _for_  you.”

“You promise?” Even asked, frowning.

“I promise,” Isak whispered. 

"Okay," Even said quietly.

"Okay," Isak hummed.

Somewhere between the quiet conversation and the raindrops and the feel of Even's heartbeat against Isak's ear, Isak felt himself drifting to sleep again.

"This is proof," Isak murmured sleepily, not really aware of the words leaving his mouth.

"What is?" Even asked. 

"That I feel safe with you," Isak said, eyes closed, breathing deep and slow. "I sleep best against your chest."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Isak hummed. “I feel safest when I'm with you. I always have."

He was falling deeper into sleep, now, content and safe and warm, but he still caught Even's words, which were whispered gently against Isak's forehead.

"Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE HAD THE WORST TIME TRYING TO UPLOAD THIS CHAPTER HOLY FUCK. ao3 just HATED IT and kept cutting it off mid-way through the boy squad's group chat. after loads of experimenting i found it was bc jonas used a thumbs up emoji. so. there's that. lmao but i hope you enjoyed! (even without jonas' thumbs up emoji). thank you for reading!!!! next chapter is the last one!  
> as usual, kudos and comments make me a very, very happy bean!!!! thank you to everyone who has left them so far, i can't believe this little tiny fic is on 800 kudos!!! i love you all so much!<3  
> Edit: THIRD TIME UPLOADING THIS. Sorry guys, ao3 hates me. Hopefully this is fixed now, haha. <3


	8. This day

 

**FOUR MONTHS LATER**

 

Saturday, 10:10AM

 **Eleanor** : Is Even okay? He isn’t replying to my texts.

 **Isak** : he’s a little down at the moment

 **Eleanor** : Okay

I just wanted to say that the last of his money came through today. So I’m dropping all charges.

 **Isak** : Awesome thanks

 **Eleanor** : Yep.

Hope he gets better soon.

 **Isak** : Thanks

 **Eleanor** : Peace

 

* * *

 

If Isak was honest with himself, he’d forgotten how bad things could get when Even was low.

He’d forgotten that loving Even so much meant that Even’s pain felt like a physical weight against his chest; something he wished he could kiss away, talk away, fight away for him. Because he would. He would fight all of Even’s demons for him if he could.

It had been the first episode Even had since they got back together. The first few months had been spent in a blissful nest of bedsheets and blankets; days spent watching the sunlight filter over Even’s golden eyelashes, marvelling at the way his eyes became so much more blue under the light; of days lying in the grass and talking until nightfall; of wearing the flower crowns Even made for him until the petals fell off and the green stems turned brown. It had been smiling until their cheeks hurt; laughing until their lungs ached; kissing until their lips felt like they were going to fall off. It was just perfect, all of it – every single second. Isak wouldn't have changed any of it for the world.

Of course, he had known it wasn’t going to last. He knew that being with Even meant facing whatever darker days his illness would bring along. Because that was the thing, wasn’t it? The thing Even had been so scared of; that anyone who invited Even into their life also invited his disorder into their life too. He just wasn’t able to see that for Isak, it was completely worth it.

But other things, Isak noticed, _were_ changing.

Before, when Even was depressed, he locked himself away; closed himself off to a place that Isak couldn’t reach. And to an extent, that was the case now; he was quiet and subdued and didn’t speak much – was a little removed from everything that was happening around him.

Except one morning, when Isak got up to leave, Even pulled him close.

“Don’t,” he whispered.

Isak was smushed between Even’s shoulder and neck a little awkwardly, and he pulled away just a fraction to see Even’s tired eyes looking up at him.

“Don’t what?” Isak asked quietly, moving some of Even’s hair away from his face. It was greasy – much more so than normal – and Isak reminded himself to try and get Even to shower in the next couple of days.

“Don’t go,” Even said, voice hoarse and broken.

“Baby,” Isak sighed quietly, kissing Even once on the lips and staying close to him, brushing their noses together. “I need to go grocery shopping. We don’t have any food left.”

Even just curled his fist tighter into Isak’s shirt and pulled him impossibly closer.

Isak kissed Even’s forehead and stayed there, resting his lips against Even's skin.

“Okay,” he whispered, making a plan up as he spoke. Because this was new – Even literally clinging to him like this – and Isak wanted to make sure he handled the situation properly. “How about I go grab us breakfast, then come straight back, hmm?”

When Even didn’t say anything, Isak cupped his cheek.

“Okay?” Isak asked, kissing Even once.

“Okay,” Even murmured.

 

* * *

 

 Isak was queuing in the café when he saw him.

Jakob’s hair had grown longer and he was more tanned than he had been the last time Isak had seen him. He was sat at a table by himself, scrolling through his phone, a large cup of coffee steaming on the table in front of him. And Isak was kind of taken aback – transported back to all those months ago, when they’d first met. It was a strange feeling. A kind of nostalgia that was both happy and sad at the same time.

Isak ordered his coffee – latte for him, and a black coffee for Even – and grabbed some breakfast sandwiches before walking over and tapping Jakob on the shoulder.

“Oh,” Jakob said, blinking up in recognition. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Isak said. They were quiet for a while, and Isak briefly wondered why he’d decided to come over when he had nothing to actually say. “Uh, good coffee?”

“Tea,” Jakob corrected him, smiling. He nodded. “But, um, it’s good, yeah.” His eyes flitted up and over Isak once, then he said, “How are things?”

“They’re good, yeah,” Isak said, nodding, his voice coming out a little higher than usual. “We’re just…you know. Taking each day as it comes.”

“You’re still with Even, then?” Jakob asked.

Isak nodded. “Still with Even, yeah,” he repeated, a little quietly.

They fell into silence again. Jakob adjusted the beanie on his head and smiled up at Isak; laughed awkwardly when they did nothing but stare at each other.

“What are you – um,” Isak started. ”Are you working today, or?”

Jakob nodded. “Work at one,” he said. He looked up at Isak again. “I’m, uh, I’m actually here for a date.”

Isak raised his eyebrows. “A date?”

“Yeah,” Jakob said, smiling.

Isak nodded. “That’s – that’s good,” he said, not really sure what _to_ say. “What’s, um. What’s he like?”

“He seems nice, yeah.” Jakob smiled. “He’s a lot different from all the other guys I’ve dated, so. Maybe this one will work out.”

Isak laughed and raised one of his coffee cups up at him. “Cheers to that,” he said.

“Cheers to that,” Jakob hummed.

 

* * *

 

Even didn’t eat much of the sandwich Isak had brought him, and he only had about half the cup of coffee. That was okay; Isak hadn’t really expected him to have it all anyway.

They curled up together for a long time, Isak using one hand to stroke Even’s hair and the other to trace lines up and down Even's spine. Even was still and quiet and had his eyes closed, head rested on Isak’s chest, and despite the fact he was a good few inches taller than Isak, he looked impossibly small in that moment.

“I still feel it sometimes, you know,” Even whispered eventually.

Isak looked down at him. “Feel what?”

“Feel like I should go,” Even said. Isak’s heart jumped, and Even looked up at him seriously. “That night when I showed up at yours all those months ago, I never thought you’d actually let me in.”

Isak frowned. “What do you mean?”

Even swallowed. “A part of me hoped you’d hate me. That you’d scream at me and tell me to leave and say something that’d make me hate you back. Then I’d find it easier to get over you.”

“I told you, I could never hate you,” Isak said.

“I know,” Even said. “I could never hate you either.”

“Looks like we’re stuck with each other, then, hmm?” Isak asked, pushing the hair away from Even’s forehead again and kissing him there.

“Looks like it,” Even said.

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Is that okay with you?”

For the first time that week, Even smiled. “That’s okay with me.” He sat up a little. “Is that okay with you?”

“Of course!” Isak said incredulously.

Even just raised his eyebrows innocently, and Isak couldn’t help it; he moved so that he was lying on top of Even, pinning Even’s arms above his head. He kissed him, slow and soft and gentle; reassuring and undemanding.

“I don’t want you to ever think this isn’t exactly where I want to be,” Isak said. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Even said, but he didn’t sound very sure.

Isak let go of Even’s wrists and cupped his face. “I mean it,” he said seriously, peppering a few kisses over Even’s lips. “I love you. I love you when everything’s chill, I love you when you’re bouncing off the walls. I love you when you’re like this, even though you smell bad and your hair is a mess.”

Even’s eyebrows shot up. “I smell?” he asked, pointing to his chest.

Isak nodded. “And your hair’s a mess.”

“Wow, okay,” Even said, laughing as Isak leant in and kissed him.

Isak pulled away a little as Even’s face softened into a lazy smile. And it was Isak’s favourite thing in the world, Even’s smile; he never got tired of it.

“You’re not going to go, though, right?” Isak said after a while.

Even looked at him. “Hm?”

“You said sometimes you still feel like you should go,” Isak said, still lying on top of Even, their bodies pressed together. “But you won’t, will you? You’re not going to leave again?”

He couldn’t help the way his voice sounded a little broken as he said it. And they had been back together for a few months now; they had spent time healing and talking and patching things up. But there were still times where Isak worried that he’d wake up and Even would be gone.

Eventually, Even said, “Can we just take it a day at a time?”

Isak sighed and smiled, nodding his head and closing his eyes. “Yeah, of course we can,” he said, leaning into Even’s touch when Even cupped his cheek. He turned so his lips were against Even's hand, and planted a kiss against Even's palm before placing a hand on top of Even's and keeping him there. “What are we going to do today, then?”

Even was quiet for a long time. As Isak looked at him, he felt overwhelmed at the realisation of just how far they’d come. Because despite everything – despite the fact that these thoughts were still haunting Even – things were changing.

Maybe there would be a day when Even no longer felt like his presence was a burden to those around him. Maybe there would be a day where he no longer felt the need to distance himself from those he loved; a day where he felt secure enough in himself to know that he was worth it – God, he was _so_ worth it – and maybe there would be a day where he didn’t feel the need to run away to make other people’s lives better. Or maybe those feelings would never fully go away; maybe he’d always have a niggling thought at the back of his mind, telling him he was ruining the lives of those around him. That everyone would be better off without him there. Isak simply didn’t know what the future held for them.

But he did know this: Even would tell him. Whatever happened from now on – wherever Even’s mind travelled – things had shifted for the two of them. Isak had gripped Even’s hand firmly and was in for the ride, now; was ready to be shown all the places Even’s mind wanted to take them both. Even was showing him; had taken Isak by the hand and was giving him a tour of the parts of his mind that he’d kept hidden away from everyone for so long.

And that, Isak realised, meant that they had a better shot than they’d ever had before at making this work.

“This day,” Even said finally, searching Isak’s eyes meaningfully, then his face broke out into a grin.

"What?" Isak asked, unable to keep his own smile contained either.

Even looked a little serious again. He licked his lips, brushing his thumb against the skin at Isak's cheek. His touch was featherlight and gentle, but Isak still felt it all the way down to his toes.

“This day," Even said again, "I think I’m going to stay with you forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO that's it!! i hope u enjoyed this tiny little fic. i know some might say it's not a "happy ending" bc the epilogue is even in a depressive episode, but i wanted to show how far they've come in dealing with that now. even is communicating more, and whereas before his illness was what made him leave, now they're in a much better place where they're talking about everything etc. i hope it came across as a happy ending and not just depressing to read<3  
> this was a great fic for me to get back into writing again, if i'm totally honest. after something more i was so...insecure about my writing, bc i was just comparing everything to that. but now i've got this little fic out of my system, and it's been so lovely to read your support, i'm definitely ready to start writing some more stuff!! i have an au i've had planned for a while that i'm going to start writing this week, and i'm so excited to start that!!! (hint: even is in the penetrators.. lmao)  
> thank you to everyone who supported this fic, and supports my writing in general. especially anna-maria and aurora (sheishookedtothesilverscreen and evyisaks on tumblr, respectively) who have to put up with my rambles about writing and been so supportive and lovely. and also carla, who just leaves the sweetest comments ever that make me so happy <3 and yeah just everyone who leaves nice positive stuff, i just really love you all and i can't express how happy i am every time i receive a comment, it really means the world to me <3

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr!! isakdandelions.tumblr.com


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